Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Too Underdeveloped To Realise That He Is Separate From His Mother?

Naturally, in order for a man to live a life that is worth living, he will need to do what is right for him. For this to take place, he will need to be in tune with his needs and feelings and allow his inner world to impact his outer world.

This is not to say that he won’t be able to be there for others but what it does mean is that, in general, he will need to put himself first. If he doesn’t do this and was to focus on the needs and feelings of others, he would neglect himself.

How It Is

And, if he is in a position where he is focused on his mother’s needs and feelings, he is going to be neglecting himself. As opposed to acting like an individual, then, it will be as if he is simply part of his mother.

But, while he will be neglecting himself and taking care of some of his mother’s needs, this might not be something that he is aware of. If this is the case, he is going to continue to suffer and his life is likely to get even worse.

The Norm

Now, although it might be hard for someone on the outside to get their head around the fact that he is unable to see what is going on, this is likely to soon change if they were to find out about his early years. Most likely, this was a stage of his life when his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental years.

Therefore, he would have missed out on the love that the needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. He will then look like an adult but, deep down, he won’t feel like an adult.

External Feedback

With this in mind, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t be aware of how focused he is on his mother and how he is neglecting himself. As his life will have been this way for so long, it simply won’t stand out.

Also, there will be the impact that his brain is having on him not being able to face reality. Due to how deprived he was as a child, he will carry a lot of pain and blocking out reality will be a way for him to unconsciously keep this pain at bay.  

A Defence

This illustrates that his inability to face reality is not random; it is something that is taking place on purpose. Before he is willing to consider let alone accept that he is not there for himself, his life might need to get a lot worse.

Assuming that this was to take place, the pain that he experiences by not being there for himself will force him to gradually face reality. This is not to say that he won’t fall into denial again as this is unlikely to be a straightforward process.

The Other Side

So, as he gradually faces reality and connects to his need to be there for himself, he can come into contact with a fair amount of resistance. He can find that a big part of him fears standing up to and drawing the line with his mother.

Instead of this being a time when he feels that he is doing the right thing, it can be seen as a time when he is doing the wrong thing. To settle himself down, he can go back to how he was before.

A Strange Scenario

Thus, even though he will be aware of what is going on, he is still going to behave in the same way. At this point, it could be said that he will need to keep in mind that standing up for himself and drawing the line with his mother won’t cause his life to come to an end.

However, even if he was to keep this in mind, it still doesn’t mean that he will be able to change his behaviour. In all likelihood, he doesn’t know, deep down, that he is separate from his mother.

A Natural Outcome

Obviously, he will be able to see that he is physically separate from her but he won’t know this at an emotional level. Yet, when he was born, as he was in an emotionally underdeveloped state, he wouldn’t have known where he began and ended or where his mother began and ended; she would have been seen as part of him.

And, as he missed out on so much during his formative years, it is not a surprise that he will still perceive himself and his mother in the same way. This is then why he can see for himself, and be told by others, that he is separate from his mother but it won’t have much of an effect.

A Key Part

If he had received what he needed, he would have gradually moved out of this stage of his development. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life and his physical and mental self will have grown but his emotional self will be frozen in time.

For him to emotionally grow and to know that is separate from his mother, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk