Even if a man is emotionally entangled with his mother, he will appear to be free to live his own life. Therefore, it will be hard for some people to accept that he doesn’t feel free deep down.
He will be a separate adult but he will feel as though he is nothing more than an extension of his mother and is thus, her possession. If he is not consciously aware of this, it will show that he hasn’t been able to take a step back and reflect on what is going on.
Due to the fact that he has likely been this way his whole life, what he is going through will just be how life. In order for him to be able to be consciously aware of what is going on and to put words to his experience, he will need to have the right conversation or to be exposed to the right information.
If this was to take place, his external world will mirror back what he has known deep down, perhaps for a very long time, and this will allow his conscious mind to recognise what is going on. Until this takes place, what is going on will continue to just be how life is and he will continue to suffer.
So, through feeling as though he is an extension of his mother, she will be the centre of his world. She will generally define if he is happy or sad, feels connected or disconnected, or feels good or bad.
Ultimately, he won’t be in control of his own behaviour and he won’t be in control of his thoughts and feelings either. It will be as if his mother has a remote that controls him and doing what she wants will be the only way for him to be at ease.
If he does something, then, it is likely to be because his mother wants him to and has given him permission. When it comes to his career, that’s if he has one, this could also be something that his mother approves of.
If he was honest with himself, he may find that he can’t stand what he does and that it is soul-destroying. However, not only could his mother be happy with it, but he could receive a fair amount of approval from others for what he does.
He will be an individual, who has his own life to lead, but it will be as if his sole purpose is to provide his mother with the perfect mirroring. In other words, he will be here to shower her with attention, acceptance and approval.
It probably won’t even occur to his mother that he has his own needs or that he has his own life to lead. He will be her son but she won’t be able to truly see this, which is why he will be used to meet her needs.
He will be like a robot that has been programmed to do one job and one job only. Nevertheless, this robot will be capable of doing a number of different jobs, yet it won’t realise this.
For this robot to change, and the same will apply to the man, it will need to experience an inner shift. Deep down, a small part of him will want his life to change, and, as time passes, this part could manifest a situation that will gradually wake him up.
This could take place if he was to get into a relationship or to have a breakdown, for instance. One, if not both, of these things, will play a part in what will allow him to get out of the altered that he is in and to realise that he is not living his own life.
This will be a time when he will start to see that he is trapped in his mother’s mirror and has, for his whole life, been supplying her (narcissistic supply) with what she has needed, whilst receiving very little from her. Playing this role will have sucked a lot of energy out of him and he could be like an empty shell.
The Foundations Were Laid
From very early on, he would have been used by his mother to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. If he expressed his own needs, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned.
He would have learned from a very age that it wasn’t safe for him to express his needs and that his purpose was to please his mother. This would have been something that automatically took place, not something that he consciously chose to do.
A Living Hell
His mother would have been in a developmentally stunted and deeply wounded state, and this would have stopped her from being able to provide her son with what he needed to grow and develop. This is why he would have stayed enmeshed to his mother and wasn’t able to emotionally separate from her.
A time when he needed the right nutrients would have been a time when he was used by his mother to supply her with some of the nutrients that she missed out on as a child and wasn’t getting as an adult. As a result of this, he will look like an adult but his emotional self will be extremely undeveloped.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to leave his mother's world, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.