Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Unconsciously Trying To Fulfil His Unmet Childhood Needs?
To the outside observer, it can make no sense whatsoever as to why a man would neglect his own life and focus on his mother’s life. Clearly, by behaving in this way, he won’t be able to meet most of his needs.
For him to do this, he will need to take a step back from his mother and spend more time focusing on himself. Nonetheless, due to how caught up he is in his mother’s life, this is unlikely to take place.
If someone was to point this out and to say that he needs to start taking care of his own needs, they might not get very far. The man could simply dismiss what they say and carry on behaving in the same way.
It can seem as though the man didn’t truly hear what they were saying. For one reason or another, what they said will have gone in one ear and out of the other, or it could be said that it will have simply bounced right off him.
As a result of this, they could come to the conclusion that the man is not willing to face up to what is really going on. He can dismiss what is going on as much as he wants but what it won’t do is change the fact that he is neglecting himself.
Thanks to what is currently going on for him, they might just be wasting their time trying to get through to him. For him to wake up, so to speak, it might be necessary for something quite dramatic to occur.
The point of Nowhere Return
Sooner or later, by living in this way, he could get to the point where he can no longer continue. This could mean that he will have a breakdown or he could experience health problems.
Regardless of what it is that takes place, it simply won’t be possible for him to carry on behaving in the same way. What can be seen as a symptom of the fact that he has lived in the wrong way for so long, will then be what will indirectly allow him to see clearly.
A Closer Look
Now, although it may seem as though he is neglecting himself and is not getting anything out of how he behaves, this is unlikely to be the case. If it was possible to put his adult self to one side and to focus on his child self or inner child, something else is likely to become clear.
It is likely that this is a way for this part of him to receive what it missed out on during his early years. To this part of him, the past will be the present and it won’t matter that this stage of his life is over.
Now that he is an adult and this stage is in the past, these needs will be unmet childhood needs. Consequently, his adult self will need to face these needs and work through them.
However, as his adult self won’t be aware of what is going on and will have merged with his child self, this is not going to happen at this point in his life. So, he will currently, without realising it, be looking to give his child self what he missed out on all those years ago.
What this illustrates is that just because the past is over, it doesn’t mean that he has emotionally moved on from this stage of his life. The needs that were not met, and there is likely to be a lot of them, will be calling out to be met.
As for why there is likely to be a lot of them, this is due to the fact that his mother probably used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. This would have stopped him from receiving what he needed to receive in order to grow and develop.
Keeping the pain at Bay
Rarely, if ever, having his basic needs met would have caused him to experience a lot of pain. Indirectly trying to have them met as a child would have been a way for him to survive and trying to have them met as an adult will still be a way for him to survive.
His mother was unable to truly love him as a child and now that he is an adult, it is too late for him to have these needs met. Trying to get these needs met will stop him from having to face how he felt as a child but it will come at a great cost.
If it does take something dramatic to wake him up, it will at least give him the chance to transform his life. A better outcome will be for him to wake up before he gets to this point as this will stop him from suffering any more than he has to.
This is something that could take place if he was to get into a relationship. His partner, through being on the outside, can shed light on what is going on and give him the support and encouragement to gradually change his life.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.