Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Waiting For His Fathers Support?

If a man is focused on his mother’s life and is ignoring his own, it will be clear, at least to some people, that something is not right. Of course, he is not here to be an extension of his mother; he is here to express himself and live a fulfilling life.

This is not to say that he can’t be there for her from time to time, but this is not the same as him turning his back on himself. The former will allow him to live his own life, while the latter won’t.

Out of Balance

Thanks to how he is behaving, he will be acting more like his mother’s parent than her son. Due to this, he is not going to have much time or energy for his own life and his own life is unlikely to be very fulfilling.

Still, this is not to say that this will be clear as he could typically hide how he feels and make out that everything is fine. But, even if he does, behind the image that he typically represents to the world is likely to be someone who is deeply frustrated and exhausted.

Underdeveloped

In all likelihood, he missed out on the love that he needed during his formative years. As a result of this, he will have been deprived and deeply wounded, which would have stopped him from being able to go through each developmental stage.

In other words, he will look like an adult but he won’t feel like an adult at an emotional. And, as he missed out on what he needed, he is still going to be looking to his mother for the love that he missed out on.

A Hidden Need

But, this need is likely to be outside of his conscious awareness, so he won’t be consciously aware of what is driving his behaviour. Deep down, he is likely to believe that if he does what she wants, she will finally love him.

Yet, as she wasn’t able to love him when he was a boy, it is highly unlikely that she will be able to love him now that he is an adult. Moreover, as he is an adult, it will be too late for him to receive the love that he missed out on.

Another Element

Additionally, by being there for her, it will play a part in him keeping his pain at bay. Therefore, his brain will do what it can to keep this pain at bay and focusing on his mother will also help.

If he were to change his behaviour, he could soon feel anxious, fearful and as though he is going to die. Ultimately, this will be how he felt as a boy as his mother was out of reach and unable to meet a number of his needs.

One Option

However, as she was out of reach and he wasn’t strong enough to face this pain, how he felt had to be repressed. It would then have been removed from his conscious awareness and stored in other parts of his brain and body.

Naturally, as he missed out on what he needed and this caused him a lot of pain, he is going to be carrying a lot of pain. Keeping this pain at bay is then going to be what will allow him to keep it together and function.

Another part

Along with him unconsciously looking for his mother’s love, he is also likely to be looking for his father’s support. This is because both his mother and his father are likely to have deprived him during his formative years.

When it comes to his father, he might not have been around, or he might have been around but been out of reach. If he was around but was out of reach, he probably didn’t stand up for him and protect him.

Let Down

He might have also been dominated and controlled by his son’s mother and, therefore, not been connected to his power. Without his father’s support, he wouldn’t have had anyone to pull him out of his mother’s world.

What he needed was for his father to stand up for him and to provide him with the support, encouragement and love that he needed to gradually break away from his mother and grow into a strong, capable and confident man. His father was probably emasculated during his formative years, with this being the reason why he was not in his power and couldn’t be there for his son.

A Hidden Need

With this in mind, in addition to looking for his mother’s love, he can also be looking for his father’s support. Deep down, he can believe that if he continues to focus on his mother, his father will finally be there for him.

It then won’t matter if his father has passed on as his unmet developmental need to be supported by him won’t have disappeared. But, just as with the development needs that were not met by his mother, it will be too late for him to meet these needs.

Moving Forward

Reconnecting to these unmet developmental needs and the pain that was caused by them not being met and expressing these needs and working through this pain will take time. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk