Although a man will look like an adult, if his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs during his early years, he is unlikely to feel like one. Instead, he is likely to feel like a boy.
However, he is unlikely to feel like a boy who has been treated well; he is likely to feel like a boy that has been greatly undermined. Naturally, by not having received what he needed in order to grow and develop, he will be in a bad way.
Due to the defences that he is likely to have in place, though, he might rarely, if ever, come into contact with his true feelings. These defences will have automatically been utilised to protect him from pain.
When he was being mistreated by his mother and perhaps his father too, he wouldn’t have been able to run away or to fight back. The only way for him to handle the pain that he was in would have been to repress his feelings.
Stuck In The Past
Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but the pain that he experienced during his early years will be held in his body. A big part of what will allow him to keep this pain at bay will be focusing on his mother and doing what he can to meet her needs.
But, while this may typically allow him to keep the lid on his feelings, it won’t allow him to truly put the past behind him and emotionally grow up. For him to change his behaviour and to face his pain, something dramatic may need to take place.
Keeping It Together
Until this happens, he will unconsciously do what he can to make sure that what is held deep within him doesn’t come to the surface. By doing this, he may be able to fit into society and perhaps create the impression that he is normal.
One thing that he may struggle with is depression, with this being a symptom of the fact that he is not connected to himself or living his own life. Yet, until he is able to join the dots, he could end up taking something for this.
As for his mother, she could believe that her son is there to meet her needs and that he is her possession. It might not even occur to her that he is an individual who has his own needs and feelings.
As a result of this, there will be no reason for her to encourage him to live his own life or to feel bad for how she treats him. If anything, she might often criticise him for not doing enough or for not always being there for her.
If this is the case, it could show that his mother has at least one personality disorder and is, therefore, mentally unwell. The trouble is that even if this is so, her son might not realise this.
But, if he has been treated like he is nothing more than an extension of his mother from very early on, there will be no reason for him to see that something is not right. Focusing on his mother, as destructive as it will be, will just be what feels comfortable.
When it comes to his mother, she will look like an adult but it is unlikely that she will feel like one deep down. Also, she may come across as very confident and strong and this is likely to be nothing more than a facade.
There is a strong chance that she is developmentally stunted and feels like a powerless and dependent child. So, behind the pumped up image that she may present to the world, will be a scared and traumatised little girl.
An Empty Vessel
By not receiving what she needed to receive as a child and staying in a developmentally stunted state, she would have unconsciously seen her son as part of her and used him to take care of some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. Thus, just as a child, at a certain stage, will see their parents as part of them, she would have seen her son in the same way.
Also, just as a child is in an empty state and needs others love and attention to feel whole and complete, his mother would have needed her sons love and attention to feel whole and complete. She would then have looked whole from the outside but on the inside, she was in a barren state.
Without realising it, her son would have been seen as someone that would give her what she had been lacking for so long. Consequently, his life force would have been used to support her false self.
This would have allowed her to feel good about herself but it would have deprived her son of what he needed to grow and develop. To handle this, her son would have had to disconnect from his true self and create a false self, with this allowing him to create the impression that he was mature and needless.
Ergo, his mother was probably used by her parent, leaving her in a developmentally stunted state and the same thing happened with the next generation. Ergo, his mother was probably used by her parent, leaving her in a developmentally stunted state and the same thing happened with the next generation. This means that a child is then seen as the parent and, once this child grows into an adult and becomes a parent, their child is seen as the parent.
If a man can relate to this he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.