Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Woman Engaging In A Struggle For Love If She Is Trying To Change A Mother-Enmeshed Man?

After a number of months have passed, a woman may see that her partner is overly focused on his mother. Regardless of if this stood out in the beginning, then, it will now be something that is only too clear.

The next step can be for her to talk to him about what is going on, to see if she can make some headway. Most likely, she will hope that by pointing out what is going on, he will gradually change.  

Out of balance

If she has been with him for a few months, she could be tired of having to share him with his mother. As opposed to being in a monogamous relationship, it could be as though she is with a man that has two women on the go.

Not only this, she is going to be treated like a partner that is not as important as the other partner. Naturally, the pain that this is causing her is going to give her the drive to do something about their relationship.

The ideal

Now, after pointing out what is going on, he might gradually be able to accept that what she is saying is accurate. The reason he might gradually be able to accept this is that he could deny what she says at first.

But, if he has been this way for most of his life, it is to be expected that there will be a fair amount of resistance at first. Coming to terms with how he behaves is likely to mean that he will have to face things he would rather not face and will come into contact with a lot of pain as a result.

A Process

In addition to him acknowledging what is going on and making a commitment to change his life, he might also need to reach out for external support. What this comes down to is that if he has been this way for most of his life, there are going to be parts of him that don’t want to change.

In a way, it will be as if he is coming off an addiction and this is likely to take a lot of time and effort. With external support, it will be easier for him to keep going when he feels the pull to go back to how he was and stay on track.

A Different Experience

Yet, even though this will be the ideal scenario, it might not be something that takes place. Instead, after talking to him about what is going on, he could deny what she says and make out that she is simply seeing things.

Alternatively, he could agree with what she says and agree to change, but he might not make any effort whatsoever to change his life. At this point, she might come to the conclusion that she needs to cut her losses and move on with her life.

Drawing the Line

She could see how long she has been with a man who is not available and not want to spend any more time on him. Of course, if she was going to live forever it wouldn’t matter but she is not going to.

If she takes this route, she could have a number of losses to grieve such as the loss of the time that she will never get back and the loss of a relationship that she wanted but didn’t have. Still, by cutting her ties with him, it will allow her to find a man who is actually available.

Another Experience

Then again, this might not happen, and she could continue to stay with him even though he is in denial or can see what is going on, at times, but is not doing anything about it. If this is not the case already, she could end up acting more like his mother than his equal with her putting in a lot of effort to try to understand and change him.

This is then going to be a relationship that is giving her very little and this is going to mean that she will continue to become even more exhausted and frustrated as time goes by. As things stand, she could be a shadow of her former self.

Stepping Back

What is clear is that the sooner she cuts her ties with him, the sooner she will be able to get her life back on track. To understand why she would be with a man who is unable to truly be there for her and has perhaps been in this position on at least one other occasion, it is likely to be a good idea to take a closer look at her early years.

This may have been a time when at least one of her parents was unable to provide her with the love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. She might have been physically harmed, verbally put down and/or neglected.

Missed out

Irrespective of what took place, she would have been emotionally deprived. But, this stage of her life would have ended up being forgotten about by her conscious mind.

Even so, her unmet developmental needs, and the pain that she experienced, wouldn’t have disappeared; they would have been repressed. Her unmet developmental needs will have caused her to unconsciously be pulled to a man, and perhaps men, who can’t be there for her, so that she can finally be loved.

A Replay

The man won’t be her mother or her father, but, thanks to transference, a big part of her won’t realise this. This part of her will hope that if she puts in enough effort, she will finally receive what she needs.

The trouble is that not only is the man not one of her parents, but this stage of her life is also over and this means that she will never be loved by them. To put an end to this struggle, she will need to face the pain that she was unable to face and integrate during her formative years.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk