Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Woman Engaging In Repetition Compulsion If She Is With A Mother-Enmeshed Man?
After being with a man for a little while, a woman may have come to see that he is overly focused on his mother. Consequently, he is not only going to neglect her but he will also neglect himself.
But, if most of his time and his energy are being directed towards his mother, he is not going to have much left for anyone else. However, although this will be going on, it doesn’t mean that he will be fully aware of it.
A Brick Wall
If she has shared her thoughts with the man about what is going on, what she said may have ended up being dismissed. Or, he may have acknowledged what is going on but made out that there is nothing wrong with his behaviour.
Along with this, he may have said that she is needy or selfish and perhaps accused her of having something against his mother. If so, it will be clear that he is not willing to face up to what is going on, let alone change his behaviour.
The Same Old Story
Now, there is the chance that the above or a variation of it has taken place on more than one occasion. She could then be totally fed up with talking about what is going on and not getting anywhere.
At this point, she might wonder if her life will ever change or if it will stay this way forever. What this may also show is that this is not the first time she has ended up with a man who is like this.
Player Her Part
And, although he has not been willing to acknowledge what is going on, she may have done what could to change his behaviour. This is not to say that this has taken place directly though.
Therefore, she won’t have been controlling and tried to manipulate him; no, she may have simply done her best to be kind, loving and patient. Hoping that if she gave him more and didn’t pressure him, he would change.
Thanks to what has been going on, she may find that she doesn’t feel very good about herself. Her self-esteem may have greatly decreased and she might wonder if she deserves to be with a man who is actually there for her.
When it comes to how she feels, she could feel worthless, unlovable and ignored. If she has been in this position before, she may find that this is how she has felt before.
Time to Move On
If she was able to embrace her anger, she might soon end up cutting her ties with the man. By doing this, she will have the energy and the strength that she needs to change her life.
When she could then do is choose to have a break from being in a relationship for a little while. If she has been with a number of men who are like this, this is likely to be the best thing for her to do.
She could look back on how she has behaved with the men that she was been with and see that she played her part. Furthermore, she could see that she wants to have a fulfilling relationship.
It could then be said that she will just happen to end up with men who are like this and will be unlucky. However, while this may appear to be the case, there is likely to be far more to it.
What will need to be acknowledged at this point is that she has both a conscious and an unconscious mind. When it comes to what she experiences, her conscious mind only plays a small part.
With this in mind, if she has continually ended up with men who are unavailable, it is likely to show that another part of her feels comfortable with this. To understand why this would be, it will probably be necessary for her to look back to her childhood years.
Replaying The Past
This may have been a time when one or both of her caregivers was not available and this would have greatly wounded her. What took place would have been personalised as she was egocentric and she would have felt rejected, unlovable, unworthy and abandoned.
Nonetheless, while this would have been deeply painful, it would have ended up being associated with what was familiar and therefore what was safe. In other words, she wouldn’t have felt comfortable with human contact.
The Other Part
For her to accept that her caregiver or caregivers were not available would have been too much to handle, so she would have done her best to have gotten her needs met. Now that she is an adult, this child part of her, via transference, will see other men as a prenatal figure.
The issue is that this part of her will look towards men who are not available to be there for her, thereby replaying her early experience all over again. This is why the men she is drawn to are the same, as this part of her has been the same.
For her life to change, she will need to reconnect to this part as well as others and to grieve her unmet childhood needs. Once she is no longer unconsciously looking for her parents to provide her with what they were unable to provide her, she will be able to find a man who is available.
If she can relate to this and is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.