Although a woman may want to be with a man who is available, she may find that she has ended up with one who is anything but available. This will be a man who is super focused on his mother and does what he can to meet her needs.
As a result of this, he is likely to be emotionally unavailable and rarely physically available. So, he might seldom, if ever, be truly present when he is around and at other times, he won’t be around as he will be caught up in taking care of his mother.
If the woman was to take a step back and reflect on what he was like in the beginning, she could be amazed at how different he is. Then again, she may see that the signs were there from the beginning.
Now, if she can relate to the former, she could struggle to understand how he could have changed so much. Yet, if she can relate to the latter, she could struggle to wonder why she didn’t pay attention to the signs.
The Current Reality
Either way, that stage of her life will be over and she will now be in a relationship with a man who is emotionally entangled with his mother. Right now, her greatest need can be to find a way to change this area of her life.
She may have been with the man for a number of months or she may have been with him for a number of years. There is the chance that the more time and energy she has invested into the relationship, the greater this need will be.
A Number of Differences
What can also play a part here is that she may have a child or children with the man or she may hope for this to take place. Naturally, if she does have a child or children with him, it can give her a greater need to stick around.
And even if she doesn’t but has invested a lot of time in the man, this can still give her a strong need to turn things around. She won’t just want to walk away from the man that she has invested so much of her life in.
The First Stage
After coming to see that what is taking place is not allowing her to fulfil a number of her needs or neither is it healthy, assuming she hasn’t already, it will be necessary for her to talk to her partner about her experience. To be open about how she feels and to talk about what is taking place in their relationship.
By owning how she feels and not blaming her partner, he is likely to respond more positively. This could be a time when he will be willing to accept that most, if not all, of what she is saying is accurate and he may be open to doing something about it.
Still, even if this or something similar does take place, it doesn’t mean that his behaviour will change overnight. Depending on what is going on for him, it could take a number of months, if not years, until his behaviour really changes.
For this to happen, he will probably need to reach out for external assistance, as this will provide him with the support and guidance that he needs to move forward. If he is the one who looks for this support, it is likely to be a positive sign.
Alternatively, after talking to her partner about this, he could simply dismiss what she says and accuse her of a number of things. Therefore, as far as he is concerned, there is nothing wrong with his behaviour.
Consequently, there will be no reason for him to change and this partner will be expected to tolerate what is going on. After this has taken place, she could feel totally helpless and find it hard to understand why he is unable to face reality.
A Time of patience
As opposed to being discouraged, however, she could believe that she will be able to get through to him before long. There is the chance that this will be the case and that she just needs to hang in there.
The weeks, months and years could go by, though, and he could still be in the same position. At this point, she could believe that she just needs to give him more time but, if a number of years have passed and nothing has changed, how likely is this?
What can add another element to this is if the man does have moments where he can accept that he is too focused on his mother and says that he will change. He will be endlessly creating false hope.
The words will be there but if he has been saying this for a number of years, it will be clear that the actions won’t be there to back them up. If this is taking place, it can show that not only is the man in denial but his partner is also in denial.
For one reason or another, she won’t be able to accept that the man is unlikely to change and this is why she is unable to walk away. He may or may not continue to dangle the carrot but she will be the one who continually takes the bait.
If she is in this position, she may need to take the time to sit with herself and to see what feelings she is trying to avoid by holding on. This is not a time for her to shame or blame herself; it is purely about her becoming aware of what is taking place inside her body and what she needs to face and work through.
If a man is in this position and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.