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If a man is in a position where he was in a relationship and this relationship largely came to an end because he was too focused on his mother, he could now be looking into what he can do to change his life. This relationship may have finished a few weeks ago or might have ended a number of months ago.
Either way, he will have been able to face up to what is going on and to take an important step. Of course, if this hadn’t taken place and he had just carried on as normal; his life would have continued to go in the same direction. Bitter Sweet Therefore, while he could be in a very bad way as a result of this relationship coming to an end, it will have played a part in what allowed him to see clearly. If hadn’t taken place and the woman simply put up with how things were, there would have been no reason for him to ‘wake up’. And, as he is in so much pain, it will be a lot harder for him to simply carry on living in the same way. To use an analogy, it will be as though he is extremely hungry and as he is so hungry, he will keep going until he finds something to eat. The priority In his case, as he is in so much pain, he will look for the answers that he needs and will do what he can to gradually separate from his mother and live his own life. At this point, what could be clear is that his life is not going to change overnight. By looking deeply into what is going on, what could soon stand out is that he is developmentally stunted. His early years will have been a time when he was deprived of the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. A Brutal Time Naturally, as he missed out on what he needed, it wouldn’t have been possible for him to go through each developmental stage. Most likely, his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs. If so, his mother was probably developmentally stunted and lacked the ability to attune to his needs. Instead of seeing him as an individual who had his own needs and feelings, then, she would have seen him as an extension of herself. A Role She would have looked like an adult but at an emotional level, she would have felt like a needy child. Thanks to how deprived she was during her formative years, she was unable to give her son what he needed. Irrespective of whether she was consciously aware of this and she probably wasn’t, she would have seen her son as someone who could give her what she missed out on. Consequently, it wouldn’t have mattered that he needed to receive at this stage as he was forced to give. Self-Compassion Taking this into account, what is clear is that he went through a lot during this stage of his life and this is why he is unable to simply break away from his mother and live his own life. By having this understanding, it can be a lot easier for him to be kind and compassionate to himself. He will be able to see that he is not this way because there is something inherently wrong with him, is weak, or lacks courage, for instance. No, it is that he simply didn’t receive what he needed and was deeply traumatised as a result. No Rush If he was to think about starting another relationship, a big part of him could believe that he needs to focus on his own healing for a while. This can be seen as the sensible thing to do. What this will do is allow him to continue to explore what happened during his early years and work through his pain and experience his unmet developmental needs without having to think about being there for anyone else. A lot of his time and energy can then be directed towards his own evolution. Another Scenario Alternatively, if he was to start another relationship before long, he could end up in a position that is very similar to one that he was in before. He will be more aware this time and more together but, at the same time; he will have just started to deal with his baggage. For example, his ability to say no to his mother and a woman might not be very developed, causing him to direct his time and energy towards both his mother and his partner. The outcome of this is that he won’t have much time or energy to direct towards his own evolution. A Different Scenario Then again, he could meet a woman who is also ‘on the path’ and has a clear or rough understanding of what he is going through. She could also be happy to take things slowly and to allow things to gradually progress. Together, they will be able to support each other and thereby, they will be able to grow a lot faster than they would otherwise. What this illustrates is that this is not something that is black and white and he will need to trust his own judgment. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 27 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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