Mother-Enmeshed Men: Was A Mother-Enmeshed Man Abandoned By His Father?

If a man has come to see that he is too focused on his mother and her needs, what could also stand out is that his father is also in the same position. After this, what could enter his mind is that his mother is using both of them.

He could then see that this has been going on for many, many years and is nothing new. So, in addition to thinking about the impact that this has had on his life, he could think about the impact that it has had on his father’s life.

One Conclusion

At this point, it could seem as though his mother is and was the perpetrator and his father is and was the victim. He could then feel sorry for his father and have the need to liberate him from his mother’s control.

If so, there will be what he needs to do to change his life and what he needs to do to help his father. But, although he wants to help his father, there is a chance that his father won’t want to be helped.

Stepping Back

Now, even though it can seem as if his mother is the ‘bad’ one and his father is the ‘good’ one, what if there is far more to it? Of course, on one level, his father will be being used and will have been used for many, many years.

However, his father is and was an adult; he is not and was not a powerless and dependent boy. Thus, he doesn’t have to live in this way and didn’t have to live in this way all those years ago.

The Main Point

This is not about him turning his back on his father; what it is about is him seeing him clearly. With this in mind, as his father is and was an adult, it is up to him to change his life and it was up to him to stand his ground very early on.

Furthermore, as his father didn’t stand up for him all those years ago, it was possible for his mother to take advantage of him. If, on the other hand, his father had stood up for himself and been there for him, this stage of his life would have been very different.

A Different Experience

After thinking about this for a little while, he could start to see his father differently. Not only this, but he could go from feeling sorry for his father, to feeling angry and let down by him.

This can show that he saw his father as having as much power as he did during his early years. Due to this, he wouldn’t have been able to realise that this father was an adult, not a child.

Going Deeper

Below the anger and perhaps rage that he feels toward his father, he could feel rejected and abandoned by him. What could enter his mind is that his father didn’t want him and this is why he wasn’t there for him.

His mother would have most likely lacked boundaries, which is why he needed his father to protect him. But, even if his mother wasn’t the way that she was, he still needed his father’s support, encouragement and protection.

A Natural Conclusion

Naturally, as his father wasn’t there for him, it is to be expected that he would question if his father wanted him. As, if this wasn’t the case, he would have surely done what he could to make sure that his son wasn’t harmed by his mother.

And, as he was egocentric during his formative years, he would have most likely come to believe that he was treated in this way because he was worthless and unlovable. He would have also done what he could to try to be loved by two people who were unable to do so.

What’s going on?

When it comes to why his father was unable to be there for him and turned his back on him, it is likely to be a consequence of what was going on for him. It was then not that there was anything wrong with his son.

If his father practically did just about everything he could to please his son’s mother, irrespective of whether that meant ignoring the harm that she was doing or harming his son, it is likely to show that he had a fear of being abandoned. Thanks to this, his priority was to make sure that his son’s mother didn’t leave him, not to provide his son with what he needed to grow into a strong and powerful man.

Back In Time

Still, this is not to say that his father was consciously aware of this fear as it is likely to have been outside of his conscious awareness. Even so, it would have defined how he saw his son’s mother and how he behaved.

To avoid being left, then, he would have abandoned his son, but, he would have also abandoned himself. Most likely, his father was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during his formative years, and this is why he was not in his power and saw his son's mother as an all-powerful parental figure who needed to be obeyed at all times.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk