Mother-Enmeshed Men: Was A Mother-Enmeshed Man Rejected By His Father?

After a man has come to see that he is overly focused on his mother and needs to focus on himself, he could start to explore what his early years were like. What this will do is allow him to gain a deeper understanding of why he is behaving in this way.

By doing this, he can soon find that how he behaves as an adult is a continuation of how he behaved as a boy. Many, many years will have passed, but that won’t have had much of an impact on his behaviour.

The Same Old Story

Most likely, if he hadn’t focused on his mother during this time, he would have suffered even more than he did. So, he might have been put down, harmed, rejected and/or isolated.

And, as he was powerless and dependent at this stage of his life, he wasn’t able to do anything about what was going on. His only option was to do what she wanted and to lose touch with his own feelings and a number of his needs.

Self-Alienation

But, although this would have allowed him to survive, it would have also caused him to lose touch with himself. From a very young age, then, he would have been trained to ignore himself and be there for his mother.

This would have ended up becoming what felt safe and what was seen as the right thing for him to do. Instead of being able to be a child and freely express himself, then, he was forced to act more like his mother’s parent.

Deeply Deprived

Naturally, this would have prevented him from receiving what needed to go through each developmental stage. So, now that he is an adult, he will be in a developmentally stunted state.

It is for this reason that he won’t just be able to change his life. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

The Other Side

At this point, it can seem as though he is this way because of how his mother behaved. However, there will also be the impact that his father had on how he behaved as a child and is now behaving as an adult.

Now, his father might not have been around, which would have meant that he wasn’t there to support and encourage his son. Then again, he might have been around but he might have been emotionally out of reach.

A Closer Look

If he was around but was emotionally out of reach, he might have generally been dominated by his son’s mother. Therefore, he wouldn’t have been in his power and in a position to stand up for and protect his son.

Emasculated

Assuming that this was the case, he would have been deprived and deeply wounded by his mother and his father. His mother would have abused her power and his father would have allowed this to happen.

Along with this, he might have verbally and/or physically harmed his son if he didn’t do what his mother wanted. With this in mind, his father was an adult but he would have acted as though he was an extension of his son’s mother and was her slave.

Defenceless

Based on this, it was as though he was not only in a warzone, but he had no armour and was unarmed.  What he needed was for his father to stand up to his mother and to protect and support him.

Most likely, his father was not in his power when he met his son’s mother, and this was probably a consequence of what took place during his formative years. But, even though, his father wouldn’t have been in a good way and able to provide him with what he needed, he would have personalised what took place as he was egocentric.

The Outcome

As a result of this, he would have come to believe that the reason his father treated him in this way was due to the fact that he was worthless and unlovable. But, as his own father rejected and abandoned him and he was egocentric, this is to be expected.

If he was not in an underdeveloped state and didn’t take everything personally, he would have been able to see that his father was not in a good way. It would have been clear that his father was not an all-knowing and all-powerful god; no, he was a beaten-down man who was likely to have been controlled by his own fear of being rejected and abandoned.

The Truth

Taking this into account, what he can keep in mind is that he has inherent worth and is lovable. For him to know this at the core of his being there will be what he needs to heal in relation to his mother and his father.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk