Mother-Enmeshed Men: Was A Mother-Enmeshed Man Sacrificed By His Parents?

For some people, it will be clear that something is not right if a man is focused on his mother and is not there for himself. He will be a separate human being, who has his own needs and life to lead, and yet, he won’t act like one.

Thus, he will have put his own life to one side and his main priority will be to be there for his mother and take care of her needs. It can seem strange as to why he would be living in this way.

The Norm

He might be aware that he is living in the wrong way, or he could believe that he is living in the right way. If he believes that he is living in the right way, there is going to be no reason for him to change his behaviour.

His life will then continue to go in the same direction, perhaps until it is no longer possible for him to behave in this way. For example, he could end up having a breakdown or his mother could pass on.

A New Direction

If he were to have a breakdown, he could end up looking into why he has ignored himself for so long. Still, there can still be a big part of him that has the need to behave in the same way.

This part of him is likely to do what it can to make sure that he stays on the same track. Naturally, if he has behaved in this way for as long as he can remember, he is not just going to change overnight.  

Stepping Back

Now, irrespective of if he has had to go through something like this to be able to see clearly, he can wonder why he is this way. As far as he is concerned, there can be no reason for him to behave in this way.

Not only this, but he can also believe that there is no reason for him to feel uncomfortable when he thinks about changing his life. He can see that by being there for his mother in this way, he is abandoning himself.

Overlooked

His needs and life are then put to one side, and his mother’s needs and life take centre stage. If he were to think about drawing the line and doing what is best for him, he could end up feeling anxious and fearful.

What could also enter his mind is that he doesn’t deserve to meet his needs and that his needs are bad. For him to survive and not feel bad about himself, then, he will need to ignore himself.

A Strange Scenario

As he is a separate human being who has his own needs and feelings and life to lead, he should know that he can survive by putting himself first and that this is the right thing for him to do. If, on the other hand, he was merely an extension of his mother and didn’t have a self, being there for her wouldn’t be an issue.

But, as this is not the case, he is going to be living in the wrong way and this is why he will suffer. To understand why he is this way, it will be a good idea to take a closer look at his early years.

Back In Time

At this stage of his life, he is likely to have had a mother and a father – that’s if his father was around - who were developmentally stunted and unable to provide him with the love that he needed. Moreover, his mother may have dominated his father and his father may have more or less done whatever his mother wanted.

Instead of receiving the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have had to adapt to his mother and be there for her. If he didn’t focus on her needs, she is likely to have soon punished him and/or his father might have also punished him.

The Message

On one side, then, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, and, on the other, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him and his needs. Ultimately, his parents were too caught with their own needs to be able to truly be there for him.

This is why his needs and feelings and his self were ignored and he had to be there for his mother. Most likely, they were also greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, and this is why he had to adapt to them.

The Truth

They then looked like adults but at an emotional level, they were children or younger. The needs that were not met during their formative years would have controlled their behaviour and stopped them from being able to see their son clearly.

What this means is that how he was treated by them was not personal; it was simply a reflection of what was going on for them. His needs and feelings are then not bad, he is not worthless and unlovable, and he is not here to abandon himself.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk