Mother-Enmeshed Men: Was A Mother-Enmeshed Mans Mother Too Enmeshed To Allow Him To Separate From Her?
One thing that can plague a man’s mind, if he has come to see that he was unable to attach to his mother, develop a strong sense of self and then break away from her, is why this process didn’t take place. He can feel angry, enraged and deeply betrayed.
But, as the person who he came through if not from let him down, this is to be expected. There can also be how he feels toward his father, if he has taken the time to think about the part that he played.
He could wonder why his father didn’t stand up for him and protect him from how his mother was behaving. As his father allowed his mother to behave as she did, he could feel angry, enraged and let down by him.
He might question if his father actually wanted a child or a son, with this being seen as the reason why he turned his back on him. But, as his father won’t have truly been there for him, how else would he feel?
In The Background
If he hasn’t thought about the impact that he had on what took place, it could show that his father wasn’t around. Thus, as he wasn’t around, he can believe that he didn’t play a part.
Yet, even if his father wasn’t around, he would have still had an impact on what took place. If he was there, he might have noticed what was going on and put a stop to it, for instance.
A Brick Wall
If he has spoken to his mother about what is going on for him and what he remembers from his childhood, he might not have made much progress. So, she might have denied what he said.
Alternatively, she might have simply ignored what he said and changed the subject. If she has denied or ignored what he has said and changed the subject, it will be clear that it is not possible for him to get through to her.
This doesn’t mean that he will stop trying, though, as he could continue to try to get through to her. However, sooner or later, he could accept that this approach is not going to work and that he needs to try another.
At this point, what might enter his mind is that he needs to talk to someone else about what he is going through. What this will do is allow his inner experience to be acknowledged and for him to be seen and heard.
A Big Question
Still, what he could believe is that the only way he will find out why his mother didn’t give him what he needed is if he is able to get through to her. If so, she will be the one who has the answer.
But, as he is unable to get through to her, he is not going to be able to attain the answer he needs from her. Having this understanding could make him feel helpless and hopeless.
A big part of him could believe that there is something wrong with him and that’s why he wasn’t loved by her. If this part does exist, what he can keep in mind is that it only exists because he was egocentric as a child.
Due to being this way and having an underdeveloped brain, he would have personalised what took place. In reality, how he was treated was merely a reflection of what was going on for his mother.
If he does have this part inside him, then, and this part is temporarily put to one side, he could wonder what was going on for his mother that prevented her from being there for him. Most likely, she herself was in a developmentally stunted state and was deeply wounded.
She would then have been his mother on one level but at another level, she would still have been a child or younger. Consequently, she would not have been in a position to provide him with what he needed.
Her needs would have ended up taking precedence and his needs would have been of secondary importance. Apart from taking care of his basic needs such as his need for food, clothing and somewhere to live, for instance, he would have largely been deprived.
This would have forced him to adapt to her needs and lose touch with his own. Instead of receiving what he needed to go through each developmental stage, he would have been deeply traumatised and ended up being developmentally stunted.
In all likelihood, her developmental years were a time when she had to be there for her mother or father. This would have meant that a number of her developmental years were not met, which is why she ended up being stunted.
When the time came for her to be a mother, she would have unconsciously looked toward her son to provide her with some of what she missed out on. Not emotionally bonding with him, keeping him close to her and making sure that he didn’t leave her would have been a way for her to keep her own fears of being smothered, rejected, and abandoned at bay.
Irrespective of whether she can acknowledge this now, her unconscious priority was to meet her own needs. If she had received what she needed during her formative years or had started to work through some of her wounds as an adult, she wouldn’t have needed her son to be the parent that she never had.
This would have allowed her to be there for him, so that he could bond with, develop a strong self, and gradually emotionally separate from her. What this shows is how a parent can’t give what they haven’t received and can wound the next generation in the same way that they themselves were wounded.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.