Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Can It Be Hard For A Mother-Enmeshed Man To Realise That His Mother Used Him?
It might take a relationship for a man, who is emotionally entangled with his mother, to see that he is living in the wrong way. Still, even if he was to come to his senses and to see what is going on, it doesn’t mean that this will be a straightforward process.
So, before he is able to accept that this is the case, he could dismiss and deny what his partner tells him. By being on the outside, she will be able to see clearly what is going on.
If he does, it could take a while before he is ready to see that he is too focused on his mother and is neglecting himself. He could make out that his partner is being needy and/or has something against his mother.
As opposed to being someone who is on his side, then, she will be seen as someone who has something against him and/or his mother. At this point, his partner could wonder what is going on and even start to doubt her own perception.
But, by standing firm and through the man reflecting on what has been said and looking closely at his own life, he can come to see that this partner is right. This will allow him to accept that this partner is on his side and is not trying to undermine him.
Now that he has arrived at this understanding and can see that he has been neglecting himself, he could experience inner resistance. Part of him will have the need to change but another part of him won’t want this to take place.
He could find that he feels guilty for wanting to take a step back from his mother and focus more on himself. Additionally, he could experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety.
Due to this, he could continue to behave in the same way, seeing this as his only option. Therefore, he will understand what is going on at an intellectual level but he will still feel compelled to behave in the same way.
As a result, this can be a time when he will feel powerless and as though he has no control over his life. His partner can feel fed up at this stage and wonder if he will ever be able to stand his ground.
What this is likely to illustrate is that if he wants to change his life, he is going to need to reach out for the right support. Without this, he will probably continue to behave in the same way.
If this was to take place, this can be a time when he will be able to find out why he is behaving in this way and why he feels the way that he does. He can be told that the reason why he is out of balance is likely to be because of what he experienced during his formative years.
This was then a time when his mother used him to meet her adult and unmet childhood needs. Consequently, most of his needs would have been overlooked and he had to be there for his mother.
A Brutal Time
If he expressed his needs, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. Ultimately, it simply wasn’t safe for him to express his needs and his true self; he had to lose touch with them and play a role.
Thus, a stage of his life when he needed to receive the right nutrients to grow and develop, was a stage of his life when was seen, most likely unconsciously, as an extension of his mother and used by her. Now that he is an adult, he will probably be in a developmentally stunted state and won’t feel strong and capable.
After hearing all this, he could find it hard to accept that this mother used him as a child and has continued to do so. He could have a fairly positive view of his mother and believe that she loved and loves him.
If he was to respond in this way, it is likely to be due to what he would have to face inside himself if he was to face up to what is going on and what did go on. Behind his idealised view of his mother is likely to be a lot of deep pain.
Loaded With Trauma
As a child, he would have had to stay connected to an idealised view of her to avoid coming into contact with the fact his mother couldn’t love him. It would have been far too painful for him to accept this.
Creating a false view of his mother would have made it easier for him to keep his true feelings at bay and to avoid reality. Many years will have passed since that stage of his life, but, the feelings that he had to deny will be held inside his body.
If he was to face this pain, he will probably feel like a powerless and dependent child, and he can feel as though he is going to die. This will show that time won’t heal this pain; if it did, he wouldn’t be in such a bad way now that he is an adult.
In order for him to liberate himself, he will need to face and work through this pain. By going through the pain, not over it, it will gradually start to subside.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.