Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Can’t A Mother-Enmeshed Man Accept That He Is Overly Focused on His Mother?
If a man is in a position where he spends a lot of time doing things for his mother and very little time doing things for himself, this might be something that he is aware of. Being this way will allow him to do what he needs to do to gradually change his life.
This might have been something that he has been aware of for a number of weeks, months or even years. Irrespective of how long it has been, he might have reached out for support or he might have decided to do everything by himself.
One Step at a Time
But, what he could be only too aware of is that it is going to take time for him to completely break away from his mother. He could then see that it is very much a case of putting one foot after the other and not giving up, no matter what.
Having this outlook may stop him from having too many moments when he ends up being frustrated about his current situation. He will see that what he is going through is just a stage that he is passing through.
Conversely, a man in this position might not be aware of the fact that he is out of balance. He is then going to spend a lot of time neglecting himself but this won’t be something that stands out.
This is not to say that neglecting himself won’t cause him to pay a price; it is just that he won’t be able to see the signs. Or, if he does see the signs, these could be put down to something else.
So, not truly being there for himself and depriving himself is naturally going to take its toll on him. What could be normal is for him to feel drained and even exhausted and he could often be very low.
If he was to reach out for support, he could end up paying a visit to his doctor, with this being a time when he is put on medication. This approach might patch him up and allow him to function better but that is likely to be about as far as it will go.
A Closed System
If he is not in a relationship, there is a chance that he won’t have anyone in his life that will shed light on what is going on. His friends, if he has any, might not say anything about his behaviour, and they might even believe that he is behaving in the right way.
Therefore, if his mother doesn’t say anything about what is going on, he is unlikely to change his behaviour. Nonetheless, if he was to get into a relationship, this is likely to change.
A Different Experience
If he was to meet a woman and ended up in a relationship with her, she could soon see that he is too focused on his mother. After a while, she could speak to him about what is going on, with her hoping that he will soon change.
Yet, what she may find is that he denies what she says and makes out that there is nothing wrong with how he is behaving. Consequently, she could struggle to understand why he is unable to face reality.
A Second Opinion
If she was to talk to a friend or a family member about what is going on, she could be told that her assessment is accurate. Who she speaks to might also say that they know or have known a man who is like this.
This feedback might stop her from thinking that she is just seeing things, that’s if this has crossed her mind but it won’t change what is going on. After this, she could talk to him again about what is going on and the same thing could happen once more, and this could take place on a number of occasions.
A Strange Situation
He will have the eyes to see but for some reason, he won’t be able to see what is right in front of his eyes. What this is likely to show is that if he was to face up to what is going on and change his behaviour, he would end up coming into contact with a lot of pain.
As things stand, he won’t be consciously aware of this pain but this pain will still be influencing his behaviour and it will stop him from being able to see clearly. This shows that his brain is having an effect on what he can and can’t see to allow him to keep it together and function, and this is why it has been said that we see with our brain, not our eyes.
When it comes to what pain is being kept at bay by his brain, this is likely to be the pain that he experienced during his early years and his brain automatically repressed. Throughout this stage of his life, he is likely to have been deprived of the care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.
Due to this, he wouldn’t have been able to go through each developmental stage and, thus, will be in a developmentally stunted state. Along with his feelings being repressed, he would have lost touch with his true self and created a disconnected false self.
This false self would have been focused on his mother and her needs, and being there for her would have been essential to his survival as he was dependent and totally powerless. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but he will continue to behave in the same way.
He will no longer need to be there for his mother to be able to survive and he is no longer powerless, but he won’t realise this at the core of his being as a big part of him is frozen in time. Taking this into account, it is clear to see why a man in this position won’t be able to face up to what is going on and will do everything he can to avoid reality.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.