If a man was to end up in an intimate relationship, he may find that he feels fairly comfortable. Perhaps he is with someone who he has a good connection with and is physically attracted to.
There is then going to be no reason for him to keep this area of his life to himself, with him being happy to tell other people about the woman he is with. Along with this, he will feel comfortable having her around when he is with friends and family.
Part of Life
Ultimately, he will be in a relationship with someone, which is a normal part of life. Therefore, there is going to be no reason for him to hide this part of his life or to make sure that certain people are not present when he partner is around.
Now, this is not to say that they will always be together; they are both going to be individuals, after all. There will be the needs that he has and there will be the needs that she has.
The Most Important Voice
If one of his friends or family members had an issue with the woman he is with, he may be happy to listen to what they have to say. This will give the other person the chance to express their concerns and for him to reflect on what has been said.
Still, even if one of his friends or family members had an issue with her, it doesn’t mean that he would simply end the relationship. He will be a man not a boy, meaning that he will make his own decisions.
What this is likely to show is that this man is emotionally available, with this being the reason why he is able to have an intimate relationship. To get to this point, he may have had to work through a fair amount of baggage.
He may have had at least one previous relationship that had a big effect on him that he needed to grieve. Doing this work will have allowed him to open up the growth and healing that can come about through having a relationship.
However, although there will be men who can relate to the experience above, there will be others who can’t. Consequently, they are going to end up feeling uncomfortable when they are in a relationship.
At the same time, this might be an understatement; this could be something that causes them to be emotionally overwhelmed. Something that should have a positive effect on them is then going to be having a negative effect.
A Closer Look
If a man is able to connect and to describe what is taking place for him at an emotional level, he may find that he is experiencing a fair amount of guilt and shame, and he may even feel trapped. Due to how he feels, he could come to the conclusion that he is doing something wrong.
What he could then do is end the relationship or to gradually pull away from the woman he is with. Yet, even if he decides to stay, it is highly likely that the woman will notice that something isn’t right.
The man will still be there, but what the woman may sense is that he is no longer as present as he used to be. If the change is instant and not gradual, she may start to wonder what has happened to the man she was with before.
His whole disposition may have changed, or gradually change as time goes by, which could cause her to believe that she has done something wrong. It could be as though her partner is there but, for some reason, he is no longer reachable.
An Abrupt End
If the relationship does come to an end more or less as soon as the man experiences these feelings, it will be normal for the woman to feel responsible. This can show that the man ended the relationship in order to put an end to how he was feeling.
If, on the other hand, he didn’t leave the relationship straight away and simply shut down instead, he will have tried to fight his emotions. The downside is that through doing this, it would have caused him to lose a big part of himself in the process.
What Is Going On?
What this can show is that the man is emotionally attached to his mother, not in the healthy sense of having a good connection with her, though; but in the unhealthy sense of being enmeshed to her. This can be a man who, deep down, feels as though he is an extension of his mother.
Thus, through being so attached to his mother, he will feel as though he is betraying her by being with another woman. He will then look like a man on the outside, but he will feel like an undeveloped boy on the inside.
In The Beginning
During his early years, his mother probably wouldn’t have respected his boundaries or met his needs. Instead, it was highly likely that she walked over him and used him to fulfil her needs.
His father either wouldn’t have been around or if he was, he would have most likely have been emotionally unavailable. Due to the father not being emotionally unavailable and the mother most likely having her own issues - one of her parents may have used her in the same way - she would have used her son as a replacement.
Another Form of Abuse
Growing up, it might have seemed as though he was his mothers ‘special’ boy or even a mother’s boy, and that he was treated well. In reality, his mother was likely to be emotionally undeveloped and used him to meet her needs, which caused her to neglect her son.
As a boy, the man would have had to disconnect from his aggression and his sexual aspect; the two elements that would have allowed him to individuate. Add in the fact that his developmental needs were not met, and it is not much of a surprise that he is in an undeveloped state.
One approach that could be put forward here is for the man to simply change his behaviour, but this is unlikely to solve anything. This can just result in the man letting go of one false-self, only to replace it with another.
There is a strong chance that the man is carrying a lot of emotional pain, with a lot of this pain being caused by all the needs that were unmet when he was small child. One of the most important things for him to do will be to grieve his unmet childhood needs.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.