If someone wanted to gain an understanding of what it is like when another person deprives themselves, they will simply need to pay attention to a man who is overly focused on his mother. By doing this, they will probably find out what it is like when someone stops themselves from receiving what they need to survive, let alone to thrive.
However, although this will be taking place, it doeasn't mean that he will be aware of it. Instead, he could simply see himself as being selfless, meaning that he will create the impression that he doesn’t have needs, or only has a few basic needs.
If so, there will be no reason for him to change his behaviour, even though he is behaving in a way that is not serving him. Due to how focused on his mother, he won’t be able to see that most of his needs are being overlooked.
Also, the feedback that would shed light on what is going on is likely to be pushed out of his awareness. This will relate to the thoughts, feelings and sensations that will be there to inform him that he is not listening to himself.
A Recipe for Disaster
Sooner or later, he is likely to pay the price for not paying attention to all of his needs. Still, it could take many, many years until something takes place that will prevent him from behaving in this way.
For example, he could end up having a breakdown and no longer be able to be there for his mother. Until this takes place, there can be no reason for him to change course and to pay attention to himself.
By being this way, he could often end up feeling very low and depressed. When he is this way, he could end up consuming something or engaging in some kind of activity to change how he feels.
This will just push his true feelings further down and allow him to artificially change his inner state. As time goes by, and more pain accumulates inside him, it can be harder for him to do this.
When it comes to the needs that he ignores, he might rarely get enough sleep, his diet might not be very good, he might not exercise, and he might seldom relax and recharge. As for his emotional needs, thanks to how focused he is on his mother; these could more or less always be ignored.
To say that he will be running on empty is likely to be an understatement. He is likely to rely on the power of his mind, his willpower to keep him going.
It can seem strange as to why he is unable to see what is going on and does his best to avoid reality. Cleary, behaving in this way is harming him and he needs to start taking care of his needs.
If he was to take a step back and to reflect on what is going on, perhaps after having a breakdown or getting into a relationship, he may find that he believes that behaving in this way is the only way for him to survive. Therefore, if he was to draw the line with his mother and truly be there for himself, his life would come to an end.
So, although he will have come across as selfless, being there for his mother will be a way for him to keep his true feelings at bay and to ensure his own survival. Moreover, the defences that he had in place, that stopped him from being able to face reality, will have been there to protect him.
Neglecting himself isn’t serving him but, at a deeper level, this is seen as the only option that he has if he wants to survive. He then appears to have two options: he neglects himself and survives, or he puts his needs first and his life comes to an end.
A Closer Look
As he is a grown man, it can seem strange as to why he would believe that he needs to be there for his mother and to neglect himself in order to survive. What this is likely to show is that his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs during his early years.
Most of his needs would have been overlooked and he would have been forced to be there for her. If he didn’t do this, he would have probably been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned, and this probably still took place.
The Same behaviour
Many years will have passed since this stage of his life but he will still be behaving in the same way. It won’t matter that he is now a man as he will be in an emotionally underdeveloped state and will be carrying a lot of pain.
Another part of this is that his early experiences would have caused him to believe that his needs and his self are bad. For his life to change, he will need to work through his emotional pain and trauma and to question what he believes, so that he can realise, at the core of his being, that he can put his needs first and both survive and thrive.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.