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Mother Enmeshed Men: Why Don’t Some Men Break Away From Their Mothers?

11/1/2014

7 Comments

 
For many years, men have been seen as being one way and women as being another way. And part of this related to men being the ones who were independent and the women as being dependent. So a man would be an example of the masculine on the outside and on the inside and a women’s outer femininity would be matched by her inner femininity.

However, times have changed and although outer appearances have more or less stayed the same, what is going on internally has radically shifted. Men are often more dependent and women are more independent. This has resulted in what would be described as a role reversal and a shift of power in many instances.

Women are now in higher positions than they have been before and have the kind of status that was only available to men for many years. Another big difference is how men and women now relate in their everyday relationships and in intimate relationships

Relationships

There would have been women before who were not submissive and who took the lead in their relationships. But this is likely to have been less common than it is today. Men have become a lot more feminized than they were before; both internally and externally.

And while some women appreciate having more power and having a relationship that is more equally balanced, they are often left feeling frustrated and as though something is not right.

While they may appreciate how things have changed, some women still want a man to take the lead and to do all the things that make them feel like a woman.

Availability

A common challenge that arises for a woman is when a man is not completely available to have a relationship. He could be there in person and yet when it comes to being there emotionally, he is nowhere to be found.

This could be because he is still close to his mother, but it doesn’t have to be. It could be that his mother still lives inside of him and this dictates how available he will allow himself to be with another woman.

The Mother

One might wonder what their mother has got to do with it and this is understandable. And the reason she is so important is because she is the first person that they are likely to form an attachment with.

So if they form a strong attachment to her and then break away in order to complete their psychological birth, there might not be too many problems. He should grow into man that is able to commit to another woman.

But if this separation is not able take place, a man can end up being enmeshed to their mother as an adult. And if this is not the case, they can still be holding onto their mother on the inside. Either way, they have not been able to let go and to move on.

The Reason

Now, there could be all kinds of reasons as to why a man has not been able to break away. But a big part of it will come down to what their mothers relationships was like with their father or the man that she was with at the time of one’s formative years.

The time that one begins to emotionally break away from their mother is generally around the age of six months. So the mother will typically nurture the child and then the father will encourage the child to break away.  

This is the ideal and both the mother and the father are important in allowing a child to receive the right amount of love and then to break away at the right time.

The Problem

If their father was not there during this important stage, then it is going to harder for the man to have separated form their mother. And this doesn’t mean that their father had to have left their mother, it could just as easily be a father that was physically there, but emotionally somewhere else.

Relationships problems between their mother and father around this time can also sabotage this process. For example, when their father is not available for take care of their mothers needs, this energy is likely to be channelled towards them.

They are then not given the right support to break away and if their father is around, he could be relieved that her energy is going towards their son and not to him.

Role Reversal

The mother then ends up using her son to meet her unmet intimacy needs. This could also relate to her unmet childhood needs that were never met. And at this age, one would have just wanted to be loved and while this level of closeness might not have felt right; there wouldn’t have been an alternative.

His needs would have then become secondary, with his mothers needs becoming primary. To put his needs first would be something that would soon trigger guilt; that’s if he was even able to identify what his needs were, for some men this might seem impossible.

Breaking Away

So a man is going to experience conflict. On one side they will want to embrace a relationship with another woman and yet they are also going to feel attached to their mother.

This doesn’t mean that a man will have to cut all ties with their mother, what it does mean is that they will have to complete their psychological birth as an adult. They were not allowed to separate as a child and so this still needs to take place. Emotionally they have been unable to grow up and have therefore stayed stuck.

This process can be assisted through a therapist or a healer who will allow one to deal with their feelings. The mirroring and attunement that they will supply will also enable one to gradually break away.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
7 Comments
Edelweiss
15/5/2017 02:33:18 pm

Hello, found your article while I was searching for the subject. What do you think the effect will be on them when they lost their mother?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
27/5/2017 09:45:36 pm

Hello Edelweiss,

I would say that there would be a sense of loss and an emptiness. His whole identity would have be based around his mother, and now that she is gone, it is naturally going to be very hard for him to deal with.

He could feel as though his life has come to an end and he sink into a deep depression. And although his mother wont be around, she will still exit in his mind.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Michelle
12/11/2017 08:41:04 pm

When the man severs ties with their significant other at the request of his mother...what are the chances of reconciling the relationship; which was sublime and blissful prior to?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
13/11/2017 10:33:08 am

Hello Michelle,

I have no idea, time will tell. But if the man is emotionally unavailable, then the mother probably did the woman a favour.

It is likely to be in the woman's best interest to find someone else. And if she is used to attracting men like this, then it can show that she, too, is also emotionally unavailable.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Jen
15/11/2017 12:22:14 am

Hi, I found your article helpful in identifying some key problems that were present in my past relationship with a man who was very emotionally attached to his mother. Is it normal for a mother enmeshed man to be affectionate and to all of a sudden without notice, pull away and become more and more absent? I was very hurt by this in the relationship and had trouble coping because I thought it was my problem, but reading this article I'm beginning to think there were more deep seated issues going on. His mother was getting depressed and he took time to take her out for meals at fancy places, take her shopping, take her to the movies. All the while he would have to really work around his "schedule" to find time for me. It really made me feel worthless, and I felt guilty for not liking the fact he was spending so much time with his mom. I couldn't understand why she was getting depressed, losing weight and getting sick so often when her son had finally found a girl he liked (he hadn't dated for over 8 years). Things were so good for the first while, but more and more I felt I was the last person on his list of priorities. It was a horrible feeling and I'm glad we aren't together anymore, but I am honestly still getting over the struggles that happened during the relationship.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
15/11/2017 10:02:36 pm

Hello Jen,

from what I have heard, yes this does seem common. I hope you are able to gradually move froward and to find a man who is available.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Barb
4/8/2018 07:32:53 am

Jen please understand this was in no way your fault. He is unable to cut ties to his mother because he has been broken emotionally by his mother from a very early age. I encourage you to do more research as it has helped me immensely. My ex partner seemed like the perfect man for the first two years of our relationship. Then his mother moved to our state and bought a house 5 minutes away from his house. He slowly started changing and I thought it was my fault. He never shared his feelings or emotions with me so I had no idea of the demons he was battling inside. I fought for 5 months to save our relationship and lost 13 kilos in 3 months due to stress over losing him. I finally ended it but still wanted to be friends at least. He lost his father (who had not been around his whole adult life) about a week or two later and completely ended things with me. Two months after ending things with me he has started a relationship with another woman from the Philippines. That hurt deeply but I know now with therapy he is a broken man and will continue to be unless he chooses to face his demons and heal. Please know this is not your fault and I hope you can find some peace and healing x

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