Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Hasn’t A Mother-Enmeshed Man Outgrown His Need For A Mother?

​What someone could wonder, if they were to come across a man that is overly caught up with his mother, is why he behaves in this way. He will be a man, not a boy, so there is going to be no reason for his life to revolve around her.

As this is the case, his life should come first and his mother’s life should be of secondary importance. It could then be said that he just needs to draw the line and focus on his own life.

External Feedback

If this person was to talk to him about this, and this could be a friend or a family member, they could say that his life is important and he needs to be there for himself. This might not have much of an impact though.

Based on how he responds, it could be as if he is being criticised or encouraged to do something that is not right. If so, not only will be living in a way that is not serving him but he won’t be able to able to acknowledge this.

Business as Usual

He will then continue to behave in the same way and his life will continue to pass him by. At this point, it will be clear that something is not right as he should be living his own life, not letting it pass him by.

Now, this is not a value judgement, it is simply a fact; after all, he is on this earth to live his own life, not to act like an extension of another person. What this is likely to show is that although he looks like an adult, he doesn’t feel like one.

A Disconnected State

Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that he is consciously aware of the fact that he doesn’t feel like an adult. The reason for this is that he is unlikely to have a strong connection with his emotional self.

Consequently, his true feelings will typically be outside of his conscious awareness and how he is behaving will then be something that generally feels comfortable. If he was to change his behaviour, he might soon come into contact with how he truly feels deep down.

Frozen In Time

As he is now an adult and is no longer a child, it might seem strange as to why he wouldn’t feel like an adult. This is likely to be a sign that, during his formative years, he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

This would have prevented him from being able to go through each developmental stage. Naturally, as he feels like a boy deep down, his adult needs are largely going to be ignored, with his developmental needs taking precedence.

An Analogy

One way to understand what is going on would be for someone to imagine that they are hungry but, instead of having a full course meal they just have a starter. Once the meal is over, as they will still be hungry, they won’t truly be able to focus on anything else.

In the same way, the man’s childhood will be over but as he didn’t receive what he needed, he won’t be able to truly focus on his adult life. Deep down, his unmet developmental needs will cause him to behave in a way that will hopefully allow him to receive what he missed out on all those years ago.

Two levels

On one level, then, will be someone that looks like an adult, and, on another level, will be someone that feels like a boy and is waiting for his mother to finally love him. The trouble is that as this stage of his life is now over, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on.

Also, the underdeveloped parts of him don’t want to be loved by his current mother, they want to be loved by the version of his mother that no longer exists. With this in mind, he could focus on her for millions of years and it still wouldn’t allow him to receive what he missed out on.

What Happened?

As to why he didn’t receive what he needed, it is likely to show that his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental years. The roles were then reversed and he had to be an adult before he was able to be a child.

His developmental needs and the pain that he experienced would have ended up being repressed by his brain. The outcome of this is that he would have developed a disconnected false self that would have encapsulated his underdeveloped true self.

A Natural Outcome

If he had entered the world in a fully developed state, it wouldn’t have mattered that his mother was unable to provide him with what he needed. But, as he didn’t, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t have been able to truly move on from his developmental years.

Therefore, there is nothing inherently wrong with him and he is not weak, for instance, he is simply unconsciously doing what he can to avoid the pain that he experienced all those years ago and receive what a big part of him desperately needs – his mother’s love. Facing the pain that he had to repress and experiencing his unmet development needs will be a key part of what will allow him to outgrow this stage of his life.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk