What should be normal is for a man to be connected to his own needs and to do what he can to take care of them. But, if a man is emotionally entangled with his mother, what can be normal is for him to be connected to her needs and to do what he can to meet them.
Being there for her in this way is likely to be what feels comfortable. As a result of this, it might not even occur to him that he is ignoring his own needs and is, therefore, living in the wrong way.
Instead of being connected to his own needs, then, he will be connected to his mothers needs. Her needs will be where his needs should be found and this is why he won’t be able to realise that they are not his needs.
So, although he will be a separate being, with his own needs and feelings, it will be as if he is part of his mother. It will be like he is a part of her that is there to provide her with what she needs.
Due to how preoccupied he is with her needs, he won’t be able to see that he is ignoring his own needs; being there for her can just about consume his whole life. This doesn’t mean that he won’t receive internal feedback that will inform him that he is living in the wrong way, though.
However, the thoughts and feelings and maybe even the physical problems that will shed light on the fact that he is neglecting himself can end up being overlooked. This will show that he has a strong need to behave in the same way.
An Inner Battle
Part of him will want him to “wake up” and to see that he is neglecting himself and another part of him will want him to do the same thing. The strongest part will be the part that wants him to focus on his mothers needs.
Consequently, if he was to change his behaviour, it could be because he has been forced to change it. He could end up having a breakdown or getting into a relationship, which can shake him up and allow him to see clearly.
Assuming he was to have a breakdown, he will be too exhausted to behave in the same way. Part of him will want to continue to behave in the same way but he simply won’t be able to.
At this point, he could end up paying a visit to a health professional and end up being referred to someone who helps people with their mental health. This could be a time when he will come to see that he hasn’t been taking care of himself and this is why he has ended up in this position.
On The Surface
If this was to take place, what is taking place at a deeper level won’t be looked into, let alone resolved. What is taking place on the surface will be the focus and this might lead to a short-term solution.
He could come to believe that he needs to take the time to engage in “self-care” and by doing this his life will change. After a while, he could go back to behaving in the same way as before and end up being taken out before long.
In order for his life to truly change, he will most likely need to do more than simply engaging in self-care. He will need to take a deeper look into why he is estranged from his own needs and unable to live his own life.
Most likely, he was used during his early years by his mother to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. This would have meant that most of his needs would have been overlooked and he had to focus on his mothers needs.
He wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on and if he expressed his needs, he probably would have been punished, disproved of and/or abandoned. Thus, while he would have had a good connection with his needs very early on, he would have ended up losing this connection as time went by.
The Foundations Were Laid
The connection that he had with his own needs would have been replaced by the connection that he developed to his mothers needs. Ultimately, he was forced to lose touch with himself and to be super focused on his mother.
As an adult, thanks to the trauma that he experienced as a child, he is likely to live on the surface of himself and to be estranged from his body. For him to get back in touch with himself and to connect his own needs and feelings, he will need to get back into his body.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.