Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Passive?

If a woman is with a man who is overly focused on his mother’s needs and neglects himself, she is likely to wonder why he doesn’t take care of his needs. Furthermore, she is likely to wonder why he doesn’t stand up to his mother and make it clear that he is not responsible for her.

Therefore, what will be clear is that he finds it hard to assert himself, with this being why he is not there himself and is there for his mother. The other part of this, of course, is that he won’t be there for the woman that he is with.

The Same Experience

Additionally, he is likely to be just as unassertive around her as he is with his mother. As a result, she is likely to be the one who makes most of the decisions and is the initiator in their relationship.

Due to this, she could be desperate for him to not only be assertive around his mother but to also be assertive around her. When she thinks about how he often behaves, it could be as though he is missing something.

No oomph

He will generally lack the power that he needs to both protect and express himself. This will be the reason why he will typically need his mother or his partner to get him moving.

Naturally, his partner is going to be angry and frustrated about having to more or less always take the lead. Even if she has no trouble doing this, she is going to want to be with a man who is in his power and can lead.

Two Levels

Or to be more accurate, this is what she will want at a conscious level. What this comes down to is that as she has ended up with a man who is like this, it is likely to show that another part of her doesn’t feel comfortable being with a man who is in his power.

If so, what is taking place in her unconscious mind will have caused her to be pulled to a man who is not in his power. This might not be the first time that she has been with a man like this either.

What’s going on?

With that aside, it can seem strange why he would often go with the flow and allow other people to direct his life. Based on how he behaves, it will be as if he is merely an extension of others and his mother in particular and doesn’t have a self.

Still, as strange as this may appear to be, it is unlikely that he has only just started to behave in this way. There is a chance that he has been this way for most if not all of his life.

Stepping Back

If he is aware of what is going on and has had enough of behaving in this way, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour. What he could soon find, if he was to imagine being more assertive, is that this causes him to feel very uncomfortable.

As destructive as it will be for him to be easy-going and to go with the flow, then, this will be what feels safe. This will show that something isn’t right as standing up for himself should feel comfortable.

Going Deeper

If he was to go into the discomfort that arises when he thinks about changing his behaviour, he could find that he fears being rejected, abandoned, and even harmed. Assuming that this is the case, it is not going to be a surprise that he behaves in this way.

His need to survive is far stronger than his need to express himself, which is why his need to express himself is typically denied. For this to change, he will need to know, at the core of his being, that he can express himself and survive.

Back In Time

To understand why he is this way, it will be a good idea to take a closer look at what his early years were like. This is likely to have been a time when he was deprived of the love that he needed to develop a strong sense of self.

Instead, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to go through each development stage. By being deprived, he would have ended up being deeply wounded and developmentally stunted.

Why was this?

Most likely, his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to attune to his needs. He would then have been forced to adapt to her and he is likely to have often been disapproved of, rejected, and abandoned.

To handle what was going on and to try to be loved by her, he would have lost touch with his feelings and a number of his needs and developed a disconnected false self. But, as his mother was unable to love him, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did.

It’s over

Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent child, but, as the pain that he experienced is held inside him, he won’t know this. Deep down, expressing himself will be seen as something that will cause him to be punished, rejected, and abandoned and for his life to end.

For him to gradually change his life, he will need to face and work through this pain and experience his unmet developmental needs. This is something that will take courage, patience, and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk