What a woman could soon find, if she is with a man who is enmeshed to his mother, is that he is emotionally unavailable. When she first met him this might not have stood out but it will now be crystal clear.
At this point, she might not say anything to him, hoping that it will only be a matter of time before he is more present and opens up. Then again, she could be more direct and ask him if he is truly ready to have a relationship, for instance.
A Road Block
Regardless of what approach she takes, this just going to be how the man is. This doesn’t mean that he will be this way forever; what it means is that this is where he is at right now.
If he was to become aware of what is going on, perhaps through her talking about her needs and experience, he could start to see what is going on. This is, of course, assuming that he is not already aware of what is going on.
Naturally, if he was to become aware of what is going on, it will give him the chance to do something about it and, thereby, to become more present and to gradually open up. With the right support, he will be able to change.
However, he could deny that he is emotionally unavailable and end up with a number of reasons as to why he is the way that he is. For example, he could say that he is just busy, that his partner is needy and/or that he has a lot on his mind at the moment.
This can show that he is simply not ready to accept how he is and it could take a while for him to face reality. He might change as the weeks and months pass or he could be this way for a very long time.
If he is not ready at this stage of his life, his partner will probably need to weigh up the pros and cons of staying with him. She may also need to look into if she is emotionally available herself, as she will have both consciously and unconsciously co-created this scenario.
Now, irrespective of whether a man who is like this can or can’t accept what he is like, this will most likely be how he has been for most of his life. Therefore, this is likely to just be what is normal.
So, even if he does deny it, it doesn’t mean that he is consciously aware of the fact that he is not available and is denying it; no, it is that he is simply not aware of what is going on. If he was aware, this defence mechanism wouldn’t work.
Living up Top
In general, he is likely to spend a lot of time in his head and very little time in his body. During the moments when he is in touch with his body, it could be that he feels aroused and is then able to connect to his genitals.
As a result of this, most of his needs and feelings are typically going to be a mystery to him. This is why he will have the need to have a woman in his life, but he won’t have a strong need to experience a deeper connection with her and for their relationship to grow.
Most of his emotional needs will have been repressed and suppressed, which is why just having his mental and/or physical needs met can be enough. For this to change, he will need to get back in touch with these needs.
Once he starts to get in touch with these needs, it will probably be harder for him to settle for less. By being on the path to becoming a more whole human being, he will need more from a woman.
However, the big question is: why would he be emotionally unavailable, out of touch with most of his needs and feelings, and spend a lot of time in his head? What this is likely to illustrate is that he experienced a lot of trauma during his early years.
Thanks to this, he ended up disconnecting from his body, losing touch with most of his needs and feelings in the process. Ultimately, his nervous system would have been maxed out and separating from himself would have been his only option.
As he is emotionally entangled with his mother, it is likely to mean that his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. To survive, he had to lose touch with his own needs and to be there for her.
Not having his needs met would have been incredibly painful and there would have been the pain that he experienced whenever he tried to express his needs. If he expressed them, he may have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned.
Too Much To Handle
Along with not having most of his needs met, he would have probably been given attention when he didn’t want it. The attention that he didn’t receive and most of the attention that he did receive would then have harmed him.
He wouldn’t have been able to stop what was going on or to walk away; he just had to put up with it. To handle all this stimulation, he had to leave his body and go into his head.
Many, years will have passed, but his body and nervous system will still be loaded up with trauma. At this level, it will be as though what happened is still taking place and is not over, hence why he can’t be in his body and freely express how he feels.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.