Mother-Enmeshed Men: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Act Like An Extension Of His Mother?

Physically, a man will be separate from his mother, but, although this will be the case, it doesn’t mean that he will act as though he is separate from her. What can be normal is for him to act as though he is part of her.

Consequently, her needs will be his needs and he will spend a lot of his time and energy meeting her needs. A number of his needs are then going to be overlooked, with him neglecting himself in the process.

Totally Oblivious

But, if this is just what is normal, he is unlikely to realise that he is out of balance. Therefore, he will continue to behave in this way and unless something takes place to shake him up, he is unlikely to change any time soon.

At the same time, the longer that he behaves in this way, the harder it is going to be for him to keep it together and function. Naturally, as he will be neglecting himself, it is going to take its toll on him.

The Other Side

Thanks to how he behaves, his mother is going to have a son that acts more like her slave than her child. He will do a lot for her, with her being more like his child than his parent.
Yet, even though he will be overly focused on her, she might not be aware of the fact that he is out of balance. Deep down, she could believe that he is simply her possession and that his sole purpose is to meet her needs.
No Shame
Thus, it is highly unlikely that she will feel bad for how she is behaving let alone encourage him to change his behaviour. So, just as a child is unlikely to feel bad for having a parent that is there for them, she won’t feel bad for having an adult child whose life revolves around her.

She might often tell others how good her son is and spend a lot of time building him up. Then again, she could often tell others that her son doesn’t do enough for her and make out that he is eschewing his responsibilities.

It’s Clear

Either way, it is not going to occur to her that he has his own needs and life to lead and that he is not merely an extension of her. It could be said that the sooner he wakes up and is able to see that he is out of balance, the better.

Ultimately, he won’t be able to get the time back that he has lost and he is not going to live forever. But, if something was to happen that did allow him to see clearly, his life is unlikely to simply change.

Conflict

He could end up in a position where part of him has the need to change his behaviour, whilst another, stronger part of him doesn’t. This stronger part of him will want to continue to behave in the same way.

Based on what is going on inside him, it will be as though he is supposed to be there for his mother and neglect himself. Going against this part of him and asserting himself can cause him to feel anxious and fearful.

A Strange Scenario

If he was to step back at this point, he could struggle to understand why being there for his mother feels comfortable and being there for himself feels uncomfortable. This wouldn’t be an issue if he didn’t have his own needs and life to lead, but he does.

What this is likely to illustrate is that his early years were a time when he was deprived of the love that he needed to go through each developmental stage. The reason for this is that his mother is likely to have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs.

Role Reversal

Instead of seeing him as an individual, attuning to his needs and typically meeting his needs, then, he would have had to adapt to her. If he did express his needs, he might have ended up being punished, disapproved of, rejected and/or abandoned.

Due to this and the pain that he experienced by expressing himself, he would have soon lost touch with his true self and developed a disconnected false self. Under this false self would have been an emotional self that was totally underdeveloped.

Stunted

If he was born whole and complete, it wouldn’t have mattered how his mother treated him. But, as he wasn’t, it is it be expected that he would have stayed in an emotionally dependent state.

By being in this state, his survival will still be attached to his mother and therefore, he will have the need to please her. Unless this changes, he is not going to be able to freely express himself.

Moving Forward

Throughout his early years, the pain that he experienced would have been repressed. Facing and working through this pain will play a big part in what will allow him to truly put the past behind him.

This will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk