What can be normal for a man is for practically his whole life to revolve around his mother. This means that a number of his needs, along with his feelings, will be overlooked, with him putting a number of his mother’s needs first.
This will then just be what happens and he won’t need to think about behaving in this manner. However, by being this way, he is going to be neglecting himself.
But, as his mother is the centre of his world and his most important relationship, it is to be expected that he will pay a price. Thanks to the amount of time and energy that is directed towards her, he won’t have much left for himself.
Furthermore, he is not going to have much time and energy left to have an intimate relationship with another person. Therefore, even if he is in a relationship, it is highly likely that the woman he is with will feel ignored and undervalued.
The feedback that he receives that sheds light on the fact that he is living in the wrong way is likely to end up being overlooked. For example, he could often feel drained and both his career and his health could be in a bad way.
Also, if he is in a relationship, his partner could routinely talk to him about her experience and how she feels. Additionally, she could say that he is not taking care of his own needs and needs to do more for himself.
An Impenetrable Wall
At this point, it could be said that in order for him to wake up he will need to experience something that will shake him up. As things stand, he is likely to carry on behaving in the same way and this could cause him to lose the woman he is with; that is if he is in a relationship.
When it is put forward to him that he is living in a way that is not truly serving him, he could say that this is not true. He could accuse his partner, or anyone else for that matter, as being selfish, as having something against his mother and/or as being deluded, for instance.
If he was to wake up fairly quickly or very slowly, it could be because his partner leaves him, he has a breakdown, has a health problem or loses his job. This will shatter the view that what he is doing is the right thing and that he is here to focus on his mother.
Still, although he will have experienced an inner shift, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour. He could find that he still feels the need to neglect himself and be there for his mother.
First, when he thinks about drawing the line and putting himself first, he could start to feel guilty and ashamed. Along with this, this could be seen as something that would cause him to be rejected and abandoned and therefore, for his life to come to an end.
Second, he could find that a big part of him still feels like a boy and that this part of him feels comfortable being there for her. To this part, he will be a boy and she will be his mother, so there will be no other way for him to be.
Frozen In time
What this will illustrate is that many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent child, but this is not something that he truly understands at an emotional level. So, not only is his survival still attached to her but a big part of him still feels like a boy.
Taking this into account, it is to be expected that being there for his mother and neglecting himself will feel comfortable. What this is likely to show is that his early years were anything but nurturing.
Back In Time
During his developmental years, his mother probably was unable to really be there for him and provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Instead, he may have had to adapt to her needs and to be there for her as time passed.
From the moment he was born, then, he may have often been neglected and when he was given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care. After this, he may have been punished, disproved of and/or abandoned when he tried to assert his will and break away.
A Brutal Time
These experiences would have left him in a deeply traumatised state and he will be carrying a lot of pain. To handle what happened, his brain would have automatically repressed how he felt and he would have gone into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state.
His physical body and his intellect will have grown since that point in time but his emotional self won’t have. For him to emotionally grow up and become a more integrated human being, he will have a lot of pain to work through.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.