Now that a man is in a relationship, what he could find is that he often feels overwhelmed when his partner expresses her needs. However, when they first started spending time together, this might not have been an issue.
At this point, he may have felt free and been able to express himself in her presence. It might be hard for him to relate to how he felt back then, though, as he will have a very different experience when he is around her.
Too Much To Handle
He could believe that she is overly needy and wants too much from him. As a result of this, he may have the need to keep his partner at a distance and to do what he can to spend as little time as possible around her.
Still, he might not need to be in her company to feel overwhelmed, as he could feel this way even if he was to speak to her over the phone or received a message from her. He may have moments when he thinks about pulling the plug and ending their relationship.
Very early on, then, the woman he is with would have given a lot to him and now, she will take a lot away from him. If he felt uplifted after he had spent time with her before, now he will feel drained.
With this in mind, it could be said that it is clear that she is the problem and he needs to find someone else. If he doesn’t, he is going to feel worse over time and he won’t have much energy left.
Nevertheless, although there is the chance the woman he is with is overly needy and wants too much from him, there is also the chance that it is not this black and white. If he was to share what he is going through with someone on the outside, he may be told that his partner is not needy and neither does she expect too much.
In fact, he could be told that his partner’s needs are pretty normal and she only wants what just about every other woman would want from him. After hearing this, he could end up dismissing what has been said and believe that this person doesn’t know what they are talking about.
A Seed Has Been Planted
Yet, even if this was to take place, he could end up reflecting on what has been said and have the need to find out what is going on. This could send him on a journey that will shed light on why he feels the way that he does.
He could end up finding out that the reason why he feels this way is most likely due to how he was treated during the beginning of his life. How he feels as an adult will then be a replay of how he felt as a child.
A Closer Look
What this is likely to illustrate is that his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs. This would have been a stage of his life when he needed to receive the right nutrients in order to grow and develop.
Instead, he would have been forced to be there for his mother and to take care of some of her needs. Naturally, this would have been too much for him to handle and he would have ended up feeling overwhelmed on a regular basis.
As he was totally powerless and dependent on his mother, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. The only way for him to handle what was going on was to disconnect from his body and
go into his head.
This would have meant that his boundaries would have continued to be crossed but he wouldn’t have been aware of it and he wouldn’t have been aware of the pain that this caused him either. Quite simply, he would have gradually become estranged from himself.
The Foundations Were Laid
Thanks to what took place at this stage of his life, it won’t take a lot for him to feel emotionally overwhelmed. Unconsciously, he will see his partner, or any other woman for that matter, as his mother and so, when she expresses her needs, he will connect to how he felt when his mother expressed her needs and will probably soon end up disconnecting from himself as a result.
But, through not having been able to join the dots, it would have seemed as though his partner made him feel overwhelmed, as opposed to her simply unlocking the feelings that were already held in his body. Ultimately, his mother expected far too much from him, through being unable to see that he was her son, not her partner or parent, and this would have deeply traumatised him.
Back then, he wouldn’t have been able to say no or to assert himself, if he did, he probably would have been punished, disapproved of and/or abandoned. This would have played a part in what stopped him from being able to develop boundaries.
Now that he is an adult, it is safe for him to say no and to assert himself; he is no longer powerless. Thus, for him to change his life, he will need to develop his boundaries and work through the pain that his body has been holding onto for all this time.
If a man can relate to this and is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.