After being with a man for a little while, a woman may see that he is being used by his mother. This is because he could spend a lot of time doing things for her and she could act as though he is responsible for her.
To make matters worse, he might not realise that he is overly focused on his mother let alone that he is not responsible for her. But, instead of getting angry about what is going on and questioning if she should cut her ties, she could end up feeling sorry for him.
The Next Step
If this is the case, she could start to think about what she can do to change the man’s life. As a result of this, she could make it clear that he is not responsible for his mother and that his needs are important.
It might be possible for the man to hear what she has to say, or he might dismiss what she says. But, even if he does listen to what she has to say, it doesn’t mean that he will start to change.
Business as Usual
Irrespective of how he behaves, she can continue to try to get through to him and make him see clearly. Every now and then, in a very understanding and perhaps loving way, she can talk about how his needs and life matter.
Deep down, she can believe that if she keeps going, he will gradually change and this will allow them to have a real relationship. It is then going to be about her hanging in there and, sooner or later, this area of her life will change.
One Step Further
One thing that she could do, to try to help him, is suggest that he reaches out for help and perhaps works with a therapist. If he agrees to this, she could both find a therapist and arrange an appointment for him.
She can believe that if he works with someone like this, it will allow him to draw the line with his mother. Based on this, he will need to change, while she won’t need to and has just happened to end up with a man who is not available.
At this point, it could be said that she won’t have a partner, she will have a project. She is going to be giving him a lot of her energy and time but she won’t be receiving a great deal of his energy or time.
And, as he is so caught up with his mother, he is unlikely to have much energy or time available to give anyone else. He will be in a one-sided relationship with his mother and he will be deprived in the process.
If one of her friends was to point out that she is overextending herself for the man, she might not be able to accept what they say. She could say that she loves him and that she doesn’t want to abandon him.
If she was to step back and reflect on how she feels, she might soon realise that she is living in the wrong way. However, she might need to suffer for a little while longer before she can face reality.
A Closer Look
Now, while she may believe that she has just happened to end up with a man who can’t be there for her, as she is acting more like the man’s parent than his partner, it is likely to show that there is far more to it. Yet, as she is unable to see that she is out of balance, it is likely to show that it is normal for her to behave in this way.
Due to this, there is going to be no reason for her to see that how she is behaving is not serving her. This is not to say that she won’t have often felt frustrated and angry but that she won’t have been able to truly embrace these feelings or look into why she feels this way and change her behaviour.
A Deeper Look
If she was able to see that she is out of balance and she was to think about her early years, she may see that this was also a time when she had to be there for one of her parents and/or siblings. This would have meant that a number of her developmental needs were rarely if ever met.
She would have been forced to act like an adult and give, at a stage of her life when she needed to be a child and to receive. Along with having to lose touch with a number of her developmental needs, she would have also come to believe that a number of her needs and feelings were bad.
Many, many years will have passed since this stage of her life, of course, but, deep down, she will still be trying to receive the love that she missed out on. Her unconscious mind will be projecting her mother and/or father onto the man that she is with and will believe that if she does enough for him and continues to hide her needs, she will finally be loved by him.
But, as he is unavailable, not to mention that this stage of her life has passed, she will continue to be deprived. Therefore, the person that she is looking to for love won’t be her mother and/or father, but she will feel how she did all those years ago.
Additionally, as she was deprived of what she needed, she will carry underdeveloped parts inside her unconscious mind. These parts of her will also be projected into the man, which is then why she has such a strong need to save him.
Without realising it, she will be trying to save the parts of herself that she has lost touch with. It then won’t matter what she does for him as it won’t change what is taking place inside her, and if she has tried to save other men this will be only too clear.
If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.