As a man, who is entangled with his mother, can be like his mother's slave, it may seem as though he will only be free if she passes on. Based on this, once this has taken place, he will be free to live his own life.
Now, there is the chance that a man in this position will also feel this way. He can believe that the only way he will be able to live his own life is if his mother passes on, and part of him might even want her to pass on.
Hard To Accept
If someone who has a good relationship with their mother was to hear this, they might find it hard to empathise with the man’s plight. They could believe that the man is free to live his own life and no one is holding him back.
Moreover, they could even believe that the man is “bad” for the fact that part of him wants her to pass on. What this will probably show is that due to their early experiences and what their relationship is like with their mother, it simply won’t be possible for them to put themselves in the man’s shoes, so to speak.
A Living Hell
But, as he was used by his mother to meet some of her adult and unmet childhood needs during his early years, and he has continued to be used by her as an adult, how else would he be? This stage of his life wouldn’t have prepared him for life, it would have destroyed him.
He wouldn’t have received what he needed to be able to grow and develop; leaving him in a developmentally stunted and traumatised state. This is why he won’t have been able to draw the line with his mother as an adult and will feel that he doesn’t have what it takes to change his life.
A Heavy Weight
From day one, he will have had to be there for his mother and to provide her with what she wanted. This will have caused him to suffer greatly very early on and it will have caused him to suffer as an adult.
He will be wearing a mask and he can believe that if he was to drop this mask and reveal his true self, so his needs and feelings, he would end up being harmed and/or abandoned by his mother. He will then have the need to be real and authentic, but, he will have an even greater need to hide who he is.
A Way Out
Taking this into account, it is not going to be a surprise if he believes that he will only be free to live his own life if his mother is no longer around. The person who he feels compelled to wear a mask for and to please will no longer exist, allowing him to be himself.
So assuming that his mother has just passed on, there is the chance that he could feel liberated. It could be as though a heavyweight has been lifted from his shoulders and he is now free to reveal who he is and to live his own life.
He will no longer be trapped in this mother’s mirror and the mask that he wore will have come down, perhaps for good. Still, along with the sense of freedom that he experiences could be a deep sense of loss and even an identity crisis.
Part of this can relate to the fact that he has lost his mother, but most of it can relate to the fact that he will never have the mother that he wanted. For years, part of him may have hoped that his mother would change and finally give him what he didn’t receive all those years ago and now it will be clear that this will never happen.
If he wonders who he is and what he will do, this can be seen as a normal part of the fact that his old role will be over. From day one, he will have played the same role and now that he no longer needs to play this role, it is to be expected that he will feel lost.
Part of what will allow him to move on from this will be to reconnect to his true self, his needs and feelings, so he can find out what is important to him and how he wants to behave. Right now, though, he will need to surrender to the grieving process to be able to gradually come out of the other side.
A Different Experience
Then again, although a man may have believed that he would only be free if his mother was no longer around, and a small part of him may have even wanted this to take place, he could be in a very bad way now that this has taken place. He could be overwhelmed with pain and feel like a powerless and dependent boy.
This is likely to show that the pain that he experienced as a boy and had to repress has started to come to the surface. His mask may have dropped and he won’t have to play the same role but he won’t just be able to live his life.
A Time of Rebuilding
His early years won’t have provided him with what he needed to develop a strong sense of self. As a result of this, he will be a fractured human being and will carry a lot of pain.
To become a strong and integrated human being, he will need to receive the right support and work through his wounds. This is something that will take patience and persistence.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.