Mother Wounds: Can A Fear Of Abandonment Cause A Man To Be A ‘Nice Guy’ Around Women?

When a man is around a woman, he could typically lose himself. In other words, he won’t be in touch with and express his true self; no, he will end up putting on an act.

As a result of this, he can be easy-going, needless and have a strong need to please. By being this way, it is likely to be normal for him to be walked over, deprived and to do things he would rather not do.

A Bleak Existence

However, although behaving in this way won’t be truly serving him, it doesn’t mean that he will change his behaviour. Firstly, he might not even be aware of the fact that he is behaving in a way that is not in his best interests.

And, even if he is aware of the fact that how he is behaving is not serving him, it doesn’t mean that he will do anything about it. When it comes to the former, it is likely to show that he has been this way for a very long time, and, when it comes to the latter, it is likely to show that he feels deeply powerless.

One Scenario

So, irrespective of what position he is in, when he is around a woman he is rarely going to fully show up. If he was to go on a date with a woman, then, it is not going to be possible for her to meet the real him.

He will be who he thinks she wants him to be and this will cause him to water himself down. It won’t matter what she is like as he is likely to automatically do this without needing an external reason to do so.

A Mismatch

Consequently, who she thinks he is after she has spent time with him won’t be who he actually is. She could end up being attracted to him after this, or she could be repelled by him.

If she is attracted to him, it could be a sign that she is only attracted to men who are not in their power and are easy to control. If so, this is also likely to show that she is not in her power.

The Other Side

Conversely, if she is repelled by him, it could be a sign that she is in her power and also wants a man who is in his power. Being with a man who is unable to stand up for himself and lacks backbone is then not going to appeal to her.

In the past, she might have been with at least one man like this and been forced to play a more masculine role. Instead of feeling like a woman, she might have felt as though she was the man’s mother.

A Closer Look

Now, if he was to take a step back and reflect on how he behaves, he could struggle to understand why he is unable to be himself around a woman. He could find that this is something that just happens without him even thinking about it.

After this, he could think about all the things that he has been through by not being able to freely express himself around a woman. He could see that he has put up with things that were not right for him, overlooked his own needs and tolerated a lot of bad behaviour.

Drawing the Line

If he was to think about freely expressing himself around a woman, he could end up being consumed by anxiety and even fear. Therefore, something that should feel comfortable is going to be seen as a threat to his very survival.

With so much to lose by being real, it is to be expected that he would hide himself. At this point, he could come to the conclusion that how he behaves is irrational as there is no reason for him to be afraid of a woman.

Going Deeper

Nonetheless, although how he is behaving might seem irrational, if he was to take a closer look at his early years, it might soon make complete sense. During this stage of his life, he might have had a mother who was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide him with the love that he needed.

Thanks to this, he wouldn’t have been able to develop a strong bond with his mother and gradually develop a strong sense of self. Being ignored, rejected and left, and perhaps physically harmed and verbally put down, would have been the norm.

A Brutal Time

To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed the pain he experienced and he would have lost touch with his true self in the process. In the place of his true self, a disconnected false self would have been developed.

The main purpose of his false self would have been to please his mother so that he wouldn’t be left or harmed and would be loved. If his mother’s behaviour was due to what was going on for him, he would have been able to change what was going on.

The Truth

But, as his mother was likely to have been in a bad way herself and unable to love him, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did. Yet, as he was egocentric at this stage of his life, he wouldn’t have been able to accept that what was going on wasn’t his fault.

The outcome of this is that, in addition to being deeply wounded, he would have come to believe that he was worthless and unlovable. In order for him to change his life, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and worked through.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

---

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk