If a man was to look back on his life, he may see that he has often been drawn to women who are not available. In fact, he could find that he is primarily drawn to women like this and is rarely if ever is drawn to women who are available.
When it comes to the relationships that he’s had, then, he may see that the women he has been with have not been able to fully commit to him. So, he may see that some of these women were caught up with their ex, some were in a relationship already, whilst others were not really into him.
Along with this, he may see that he has often been with women who lived a long way away and even on the other side of the planet. There can then be times when a woman will have been physically close to him but emotionally distant and other times when she was physically and emotionally distant.
However, regardless of what he has experienced in the past, the outcome will have been the same – he won’t have been able to deeply connect to the woman. Thanks to this, he is likely to have a strong need to find a woman who is available.
The Other Side
At the same time, what he may also see is that he has been with at least one woman who was available but he wasn’t fully on board with what was going on. Until this point, he may have blocked this out, though.
By being this way, it may have caused him to believe that what is going on ‘out there’ was the issue. But, by becoming aware of this, if this has actually taken place, it will show him that there is more to this than he thought.
A Closer Look
If this has taken place and he was to think about what it was like when he was with a woman like this, he may find that he was unable to embrace what was going on. A woman who was then completely or somewhat available wanted to be with him but he was unable to receive her presence.
He may see that this was a time when he continued to be drawn to women who were not available. For example, he may have unconsciously, if not consciously, been drawn to women who were already in a relationship and other women that he saw.
He would then have had what he wanted, a woman who was available and yet, he was still drawn to women who, for one reason or another, were not available. At this point, he could struggle to understand what is going on.
What could cross his mind is how he could want one thing and then reject it once he has it. He could end up criticising himself and believe that there is something inherently wrong with him.
Now, irrespective of whether a man has or hasn’t been with a woman like this, he is going to want to find out why he is experiencing life in this way. He could be at the point where he can no longer tolerate living in this way.
To understand why his life in this way, it will be a good idea for him to take a closer look at what took place during his early years. This may have been a time when he was brought up by a mother who was unable to fully be there for him and provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop.
As a result of this, he may have often been neglected and when he was given attention, it may have typically been missatuned care. He was then deprived of the nutrients that he needed and he was made to feel deeply uncomfortable.
What these experiences would have done is set him up to see human contact as a threat to his existence and to feel unworthy of having his needs met. So, before long, he would have stopped reaching out and ended up losing touch with his emotional needs.
Many, many years wouldn’t have passed and his conscious mind would have forgotten all about what took place but his unconscious mind/body wouldn’t have. Consequently, he will want to connect deeply to a woman on one level but on another level, he will want to keep his distance.
Deep down, getting close to a woman will be seen as something that would cause him to be harmed. Therefore, the reason he is generally drawn to women who are unavailable is that this is what feels safe and a big part of him, his emotional self, has retracted and he is, therefore, unavailable.
What will also play a part here is that part of him, the child part, will be trying to receive what it missed out on all those years ago; it will be trying to get its unmet needs met. Via transference, this part of him will see women who are unavailable as its mother.
Once again, this part of him will hope that he can finally receive what he missed out on all those years ago. Yet, as these women will be available, not to mention they won’t be his mother, he won’t be able to receive what he missed out on.
These unmet childhood needs will need to be faced and grieved. There are likely to be many, many layers of unmet childhood needs to be worked through, which is why this is likely to take time.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.