Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Disconnected From His Need For Human Connection If He Had A Neglectful Mother?
Unsurprisingly, human beings need human connection in order to be at their best. This is something that will have an effect on someone’s mental, emotional and physical health.
The reason why it is not a surprise is that human beings are interdependent; they are not independent. This, however, can be hard for a lot of people to accept if they live in a society that creates the impression that people are their own island and don’t need anyone.
What plays a part in this are the advancements in technology that make it a lot easier for someone to deceive themselves into believing this. But, as needing others is part of the human experience, if someone goes against their nature they are likely to suffer in one way or another.
Now, what could be normal is for a man is to live a life where he acts as though he doesn’t need anyone else. This can mean that he may or may not have any close friends but he is unlikely to be in or desire a relationship.
In general, he may prefer to spend time by himself and only spend time around others on the odd occasion. As a result of this, he may spend most of his time living up top, engaged in intellectual or at the very least mental pursuits.
If he does spend time with another or others, it could be because they have reached out to him. He may seldom if ever reach out to others, with this typically being something that doesn’t cross his mind.
If he was asked why he doesn’t spend more time around others, he could say that it simply doesn’t appeal to him. He could say that he doesn’t have a strong need to be around others.
If they were to ask him if he would like to be in an imitate relationship, he could say that this doesn’t interest him either. He could say that he is fine as he is and enjoys his own company.
Still, this doesn’t mean that he won’t have sexual needs that he would like to fulfil; then again, he might rarely be interested in this. When he is, he could primarily look towards material online to help him with this need.
Additionally, he may have moments when he will engage in casual encounters. Yet, if his awareness is primarily in his head and not in his body, it is to be expected that he won’t have a strong connection to this part of his body and will end up overlooking these needs.
When it comes to how he experiences life, he may generally feel flat and not have a great deal of energy. This can show that he will spend a lot of time in his parasympathetic nervous system.
As he has the tendency to feel flat on the inside, this is going to mean that he will also come across in this way too. He could be described as someone who is not very emotional or even fully alive.
If, then, he was to reach out for support, it is not going to be due to him feeling overwhelmed and needing to experience self-control. No, it will be due to him feeling flat, dead even, and not having much energy.
He could say that he often feels depressed and doesn’t feel a strong desire to live. He could believe that life has no meaning and he has no reason to live, with him being happy to call it a day.
What’s going on?
At this point, it could seem strange as to why a man would be like this; he is, after all, an interdependent human being. It might seem as though he was simply born this way and, therefore, he will always be this way.
Nonetheless, what took place during his formative years could largely be the reason why he is the way that he is. At this stage of his life, his mother may have rarely if ever been available and even when she was, she might not have attuned to his needs.
A Brutal Time
He would then have expressed his needs by crying, moving, and reaching out with his hands but it wouldn’t have been very effective. After a while, after learning that his needs wouldn’t be met, he would have simply disconnected from his needs and gone into a collapsed, shut down state.
Having needs would have been too painful (he would have often felt rejected, abandoned helpless and hopeless and he was) and the only way for him to handle this pain was to shut down. Of course, he couldn’t ask for what he needed or find a caregiver who could truly be there for him; he simply had to adapt to a cold and loveless environment.
A Divided Being
When he was given attention, and there must have been moments when he was or he wouldn’t be alive, it was probably totally out of sync with what he needed. The outcome of this is that he would have most likely felt smothered, trapped and agitated by the attention he did receive.
Thanks to the lack of attuned care, he would have probably been connected to himself after he was born whole but he would have soon ended up disconnecting from his body. Not only would this have caused him to lose touch with his emotional needs, but it would have also caused him to stay in a developmentally stunted, frozen state and unable to take life in.
It’s not over
This stage of his life is now in the past but a large part of his being hasn’t truly moved on from what took place. He had to shut down and freeze up to handle what was going on and he will still be this way.
Most, if not all, of the pain that he experienced back then, will still be held deep inside his body. To reconnect to his need for human connection and become a more integrated and emotionally developed human being, he will need to work through this pain.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
Without this understanding, it would be easy to say that he has a personality disorder; in reality, he has a personality adaption. He suffered greatly very early on and while what he is like as an adult will cause him to suffer, it kept him alive very early on.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.