If a man was to step back and reflect on how he typically behaves when he is around a woman, what he may find is that he rarely shows up. Instead, this can be a time when he will come across as passive and easy-going.
Therefore, he won’t act as though he is an individual that has his own needs and feelings; he will act as though he is an extension of the woman. Additionally, he will be more like a boy than a man.
A Frustrating Experience
He could see that he has been this way for quite some time and is now sick and tired of what is going on. At this point, he could have a strong need to be himself and stand his ground when he needs to.
Ultimately, being this way might allow him to receive a fair amount of approval and to even be seen as ‘nice’ but it won’t allow him to please himself or to be respected. Also, most of the women that he spends time with won’t know who he really is.
But, while he won’t want to behave in this way, it doesn’t mean that he can just choose to change his behaviour. He can then be aware of what is going on and want to change his behaviour and behave in the same way when he comes into contact with a woman.
As disempowering as it will be for him to be this way, then, it will be what feels comfortable. If he was to think about changing his behaviour let alone actually change it, he could soon feel deeply uncomfortable.
During this time, he could end up feeling anxious and fearful, and it will then be as if his very survival is under threat. Furthermore, he could get the sense that he is doing something wrong by not focusing on the woman’s needs and doing what he can to please her.
If this is the case, it is not going to be a surprise that he largely abandons himself when he is around a woman. In order for him to fully show up and act like an individual, he will need to feel safe enough to do so.
As he is a man and not a powerless and dependent boy, he should feel strong enough and safe enough to be himself around a woman. Based on this, it could be said that what is going on for him is irrational; there is no reason for him to be this way.
However, if his early years were taken into account, how he experiences life could make complete sense. This may have been a stage of his life when he was deeply traumatised by his mother.
Back In Time
What he needed at this stage was a mother who he felt safe and secure around and could emotionally attach to. Yet, if he was deeply traumatised by his mother, he wouldn’t have felt safe and secure around her or been able to emotionally attach to her.
His mother might have often physically harmed him, verbally put him down and left him. This would have caused him to be deprived of the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.
A Brutal Time
To handle what was going on, he would have been forced to lose touch with a number of his needs and feelings and created a disconnected false self. This false self would have caused him to be focused on her needs and to do what he could to please her.
This would have been seen as a way for him to stop his mother from harming him but it probably wouldn’t have had much of an effect. If she was mistreating him because of what he was doing it would have been different but she wasn’t.
In all likelihood, his mother was not in a good way and this was why she mistreated him. But, as he was egocentric at this stage of his life, he would have believed that there was something inherently wrong with him.
Thus, if he changed his behaviour, became who she wanted him to be and did what she wanted, he would finally be loved. But, no matter what he was like or what he did, he wouldn’t have been loved as she wouldn’t have been able to love him.
A Key Part
For him to truly put the past behind him and to be able to be present around a woman, he is likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.