Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Suspicious Of Women If He Had An Abusive Mother?

If a man is seeing or is in a relationship with a woman, he might not feel at ease and be able to let his guard down. This might not be because she has done something to make him question whether or not he can trust her, though.

No, he could just expect her to do something that will validate what is going on for him. Then again, he might believe that she is already doing something that validates his inner experience.

Looking Back

There is a chance that he has been with at least one woman who has let him down and left him in a bad way. If so, this may have been a time when he was cheated on and/or was humiliated and made to look bad.

Alternatively, it could go even further than this and he may have gone through a very painful divorce. He might have been with a woman who made his life a misery for many years and, then, went through hell whilst he was taking the steps to fully cut his ties with her.

A Natural Response

Now, irrespective of if he has been through a messy divorce, if he has had at least one experience with a woman where he was heavily undermined, it could be said that it is to be expected that he would expect to be taken advantage of. He can believe that he needs to be ready or else he will be taken for a ride again.

Still, as being this way will cause him to keep his distance, he is not going to experience the level of closeness that he would otherwise. As opposed to having one foot in and one foot out, it will be as if both of his feet are out and he leans in every now and then.

External Feedback

If he has spoken to a few of his male friends about what is going on for him, they could also validate his perspective. These friends could say, in one way or another, that women can’t be trusted and that he is doing the right thing.

This could show that these friends are in the same position or have been in the past. By having people like this in his life, there is going to be no reason for him to question let alone change his outlook.

Another Factor

But, even if he doesn’t have any male friends who are like this, it doesn’t mean that he won’t come across other men who validate and support what is going on for him. He is likely to find that there are plenty of men online who are in the same position that he is in.

Moreover, he could come across many ‘experts’ who say that women can’t be trusted and that there are certain ‘truths’ that he needs to learn. This way, he will take back control of this area of his life and lessen his chances of being taken advantage of.

A Passive Observer

Based on how he views women and what he is told by some men, it will be as though he is not playing a part in the experiences that he has with a woman. They will just be a certain way and he will have to do his best to navigate this area of his life.

Yet, what if this is not the absolute truth and he is having an effect on the experiences that he has with a woman? Upon hearing this, he could say that this is not the case as he doesn’t want to be with a woman who will betray him.

Stepping back

If he was to take his attention away from what he has experienced as an adult and to think about what his early years were like, what might soon enter his mind is that his mother often mistreated him. Throughout this stage of his life, then, he might have been physically harmed, verbally put down and neglected, for instance.

If so, he wouldn’t have had a mother who he could trust and feel at ease around; he would have had a mother who he couldn’t trust and had to be on guard around. Consequently, he is likely to have often felt angry, worthless, helpless, hopeless and deeply hurt.

Repeating The Past

A number of his developmental needs would have rarely been met and this would have stopped him from being able to grow and develop in the right way. These developmental needs would have ended up being automatically repressed.

This would have stopped him from being aware of his need to be loved by his mother and, although many years have passed, he will still have the need to be loved by his mother. Now that he is an adult, he will unconsciously be pulled to women who are very similar to his mother, in the hope that this time it will be different and he will finally be loved.

Transference

Of course, the woman that he is with and has been drawn to won’t be his mother, but, thanks to a defence mechanism known as projection, he won’t realise this at a deeper level. At a conscious level, he will be fed up with what is going on, but, at an unconscious level, he will be struggling for something that he missed out on and will never receive.

For him to no longer repeat his early experiences where he is deprived and hurt and is engaged in a battle, he is likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk