If a man was to take a step back and reflect on how he behaves, he could find that he spends a lot of time doing things so that he can be enough. He could find that this doesn’t relate to being enough in general, it relates to being enough for a woman.
He could then spend a lot of time trying to make himself more appealing, with him putting a lot of effort into his appearance. Additionally, there can be what he has done to increase his status and earn more money.
The Same Old Story
However, irrespective of what he has done to make himself more marketable to a certain type of woman, he might not have had much success. He might not have been able to have a relationship with a woman.
Conversely, he might have been able to have a relationship with at least one woman that he wanted to be with but it might not have lasted. The woman might have ended it before long or he might have done something that had a negative impact on the relationship and caused it to end.
When it comes it the former, as part of him won’t feel that he is enough for a woman, this will have played a part in why this woman didn’t stay around. Due to what is going on for him, he won’t expect a woman to want to be with him and thus, will have been attracted to a woman who validated his view of himself.
And, it comes to the latter, he might have ended up having sex with another woman or having an affair. Either way, as part of him didn’t feel comfortable being with a woman who perhaps saw him as being enough, he wouldn’t have been able to sustain the relationship.
A Strange Scenario
If he was to think about how he doesn’t feel that he is enough for a woman, he could find that he sees the type of woman that he desires as being above him. He will then be worthless but she will have value.
Naturally, by seeing himself in this way, it is going to be hard for him to attract a woman let alone to be in a relationship with a woman that he wants to be with. He is then going to be like a piece of dirt, while a woman will be like a diamond.
Now, if he was to open up to a female friend or family member, they could say that he is a decent guy and that there are plenty of women who would want to be with him. This could also be someone who is very honest and is not trying to merely make him feel better.
After this, they could say that he just needs to realise his value, and, when he does, his life will change. But, while this might allow him to momentarily feel better, it won’t change his life.
A Frustrating Existence
Along with what he has done over the years to make himself more desirable, there can be what he has done to change his inner world. He might have questioned what he believed and changed his thoughts.
Yet, no matter what he has done to change his life, he won’t have been able to make a great deal of progress. Consequently, he could come to the conclusion that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding him back.
What’s going on?
If he has had the sense that he is not enough for a woman for as long as he can remember, it may show that his early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when his mother was generally not very loving.
Instead of having a mother who was typically warm, supportive and encouraging, she might have typically been cold, unsupportive and critical. Therefore, regardless of what he did, it generally wouldn’t have been good enough.
What this would have meant is that she was unable to love him unconditionally; which is why he wasn’t able to develop a felt sense of worth and lovability. He would have only been approved of and accepted when he did what his mother wanted and even then, it might have not always been enough.
In all likelihood, she was a deeply wounded human being who didn’t receive the love that she needed during her formative years. As she was deprived, she wouldn’t have been able to provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.
But, even though this was the reason, as he was egocentric, he wouldn’t have been able to accept this. The meaning that he made out of what happened was that he was worthless and unlovable and was not enough.
Still, he would have also come to believe that if he did what she wanted, she would finally be able to love him. This would have been a way for him to keep his true feelings at bay and to avoid what his senses were telling him, that she couldn’t love him.
For him to know, at the core of his being, that he is enough, there will be the pain that he needs to face and work through and the unmet development needs that he needs to experience. This will be the pain and the needs that he had to repress very early on to keep it together and function.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.