Mother Wounds: Can A Man Believe That He Is Not Enough For A Woman If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

What a man may find, if he was to step back and reflect on his life, is that he doesn’t believe that he is enough for a woman. As a result of this, he might not have ever been in a relationship and, if he has, it might not have lasted for very long.

However, even if he is aware of this, it might not be possible for him to see a way out of the invisible prison that he is living in. Naturally, as he will want to be with a woman, and feel that he is enough for her, this is going to cause him to suffer.

A Battle

Still, this doesn’t mean that he hasn’t put in a lot of effort to try to feel as though he is enough for a woman. But, for so long, this might have been something that took place without him being aware of what was driving him.

He would then have been driven by his need to be enough for a woman but this won’t have been something that he was consciously aware of. After doing so much for so long, he could be sick and tired of not getting very far.

Looking Closer

If he was to think about what he was done over the years, in order to be enough for a woman, his mind could be flooded with things. He might have put a lot of effort into his appearance and thus, spent a lot of money on clothes and time at the gym.

Along with this, he might have become more successful, earning more money and attaining more material items in the process. There is also a chance that he has spent many, many hours approaching and speaking to different women.

A Feedback Look

But, even if he has only done a few of these things as well as others, he won’t have been able to get very far. In fact, as he has done things to change his circumstances and these things haven’t worked, it is likely to have validated how he sees himself.

This is because he will have done a number of the ‘right’ things and this will have been seen as evidence that, no matter what he does, he is still not enough. Over time, then, he is likely to have felt more and more hopeless and helpless.

A Deep Hole

With this in mind, if he is in a deep hole right now and can’t see a way out, it is not going to be a surprise. After doing so much and not making much headway, it would be a surprise if a big part of him wasn’t in a place of despair.

If he was to thank about how long his life has been this way, he could find that it goes back to when he was at school. Consequently, he could come to the conclusion that he was born this way and that his life will always be the same.

What’s going on?

One thing that is likely to shed light on why he has this sense he is not enough for a woman is what took place during his formative years. If he was to think about this stage of his life, though, he might not be able to remember a great deal.

He could say to himself that his early years weren’t that bad and that there are plenty of people that had it far worse. If he was to think about what his relationship was like with this mother, he could also say to himself that it wasn’t that bad and that she did the best she could, for instance.

Going Deeper

Nonetheless, while this is what he may say to himself, it doesn’t mean that it is an accurate assessment of this stage of his life. This stage of his life may have been anything but nurturing but, as his conscious mind will have blocked out most of what took place, it will prevent him from realising this.

There is a strong chance that he had a mother who wasn’t able to truly be there for him and give him the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. In addition to being emotionally unavailable, she might have been critical, physically abusive and neglectful.

Wide Open

Her inability to be present and loving was most likely a sign of how wounded she was, but, as he was egocentric at this stage of his life, he wouldn’t have been able to realise this. He would then have come to believe that how he was treated was a sign that he was worthless, unlovable and not enough.

The other part of this is that he would have believed that if he was worthy, lovable and enough, he would have been loved. The pain that this would have caused him would have ended up being repressed, along with a number of his needs.

A Struggle

Although his mother was unable to love him and his need to be loved would have been repressed, this would still have had an impact on his life. He would have continued to try to be loved, with him developing a disconnected false self and perhaps becoming a people pleaser.

As his mother was unable to love him, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did. What he needed wasn’t on available but it would have been too painful for him to face reality and to see his mother clearly.

Drawing the Line

For him to put his struggle for love to an end and realise that he is enough, he is likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk