Mother Wounds: Can A Man Believe That His Needs Are A Burden If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?

Having needs is part of the human experience but that doesn’t mean that a man will feel comfortable with all of his needs. So, when it comes to his basic needs, such as his need to eat and sleep, he could be fine.

But, when it comes to his emotional needs, such as his need to be seen and heard, to receive physical affection, and be valued, for instance, these could typically be overlooked. In fact, he might rarely if ever be aware of these needs.

The Outcome

What this can mean is that he won’t have any close male friends and he might not be in a relationship, either. Then again, he could have a number of male friends but he might not be in a relationship.

Additionally, he might not have a woman in his life that he only shares his body and mind with. Regardless of what position he is in, a number of his emotional needs are not going to be met.

Hidden

But, if he is rarely if ever aware of this, he is not going to be aware of what is going on and thus, try to change his life. These emotional needs are not just going to lay dormant, though; they are going to have an impact on his life.

One thing that can take place is that these needs can be sexualised, giving him a very high sex drive. Yet, as he won’t be aware of what is going on, he can just believe that he has a strong sex drive and perhaps as a sign of how high his testosterone is.

The Consequence

If he does have a woman who he shares his body and mind with, this will allow him to take care of this drive. If, on the other hand, he doesn’t, he could spend a fair amount of time masturbating.

What this will also do is allow him to release tension and feel more settled as a result. However, even if he does have casual encounters, as a number of his emotional needs are not being met, he is not going to be truly nourished.

Stepping Back

If he was to get to a stage where just having casual encounters was no longer cutting it, he could wonder why he doesn’t have a strong need to be in a relationship. He could see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember.

And, if he has seldom if ever had casual encounters and hasn’t had much experience with women, he could also wonder why this is so. He could find that he doesn’t have a strong need to be with a woman, even though he would like to be in a relationship.

What’s going on?

If he was to step back and reflect, he may find that he doesn’t have a strong connection with a number of his emotional needs. He could see that his need to be seen and heard, to receive physical affection from and be valued by a woman has been repressed for most of his life.

But, even if he was to fully reconnect to these needs, he might not simply be able to change his behaviour. He could end up feeling ashamed of these needs and have a strong need to hide them and go back to how he was before.

A Strange Scenario

After this, he could struggle to understand why he doesn’t feel comfortable with these needs. Ultimately, as he is an interdependent human being, there is going to be nothing inherently wrong with these needs.

Considering this, as he doesn’t feel comfortable with them, it shows that something is not right. What this may illustrate is that his early years were anything but nurturing.

A Deeper Look

This might have been a time when his mother wasn’t emotionally available and thereby, deprived him of the love that he needed. Due to how wounded she is likely to have been, then, she would have been caught up with her own needs and it wouldn’t have been possible for her to attune to a number of his developmental needs.

The outcome of this is that it would have been normal for him to be ignored, rejected and abandoned. And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with his needs and his essence.

A Brutal Time

Not having these needs met on a regular basis, if at all, would have greatly wounded him. To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed these needs and the pain he was in.

This would have allowed him to keep it together and function but it would have also caused him to lose touch with his true self. Not being in touch with these needs as an adult would then have seemed strange but adapting in this way as a child would have been what kept him alive.

 Moving Forward

To become a more integrated human being, he is likely to have pain to work through and unmet development needs to experience. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk