Mother Wounds: Can A Man End Up With An Anxious Attachment Style If He Had A Neglectful Mother?

Even though a man will be an interdependent human being, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to act like one. The reason for this is that he might not be able to spend much time by himself.

When he is by himself, he could soon feel very uncomfortable and end up doing whatever he can to find someone to be with. Due to this, he will act more like a dependent human being.

Plenty of options

Thanks to the number of friends that he may have, it might not be long until he is able to find someone to spend his time with. If he doesn’t reach out to a friend, he could reach out to a woman with who he is sharing his body.

There is the chance that he will have a number of women like this in his life. Consequently, there is more or less always going to be someone who is available, thereby preventing him from having to be alone for very long.

Another Scenario

Then again, he could practically always be in a relationship with a woman. This doesn’t mean that he won’t ever engage in casual encounters; it means that he will prefer to be in a relationship.

By being in one, he will have someone there when he is not with his friends, at work or out socialising, for instance. This could mean that he is not very discerning when it comes to who he has in his life, which could cause him to often spend time with the wrong people.

Self-Alienation

As he spends so much time around others, he is unlikely to have a very good connection with himself. In order for him to have this, he would need to start spending time by himself.

This would allow him to tune into what is taking place in his body and mind and to connect to his essence. Yet, as he feels deeply uncomfortable when he is by himself, this is not going to happen.

Two Outcomes

When he is by himself then, he will experience a lot of discomfort and will desperately need to get away from himself. Alternatively, he could end up disconnecting from himself and go into his head.

If the latter takes place, he will be by himself but he won’t be able to connect to what is taking place inside him. Before long, he could soon find someone who is available and is willing to spend time with him.

A Life of Avoidance

As he has such a strong need to be around others, it could seem as though he actually wants to connect to them. However, his greatest need will be to avoid how he feels, not to truly connect to another.

For him to truly connect to another, he will need to be in touch with himself and his own feelings. Being around others will be a way for him to avoid his own feelings and thoughts, so it won’t be possible for him to experience deeper connections with others.

The loss of self

When he is in a relationship, he could end up becoming who the other person wants him to be or who he thinks they want him to be. He then won’t be able to maintain who he is; he will lose himself.

Being with another will stop him from being alone but what it won’t do is allow him to feel truly seen and heard. Therefore, he will gain one thing, human contact, but he will lose another, the awareness of his own needs and feelings.

Drawing the Line

After getting to the point where he can no longer carry on living in this way - his true self will be calling out, or whispering - he could end up looking into why he is like this. Behaving in this way won’t be serving him and part of him, however small, will want his life to change.

By looking for answers, he could find that how he behaves as an adult is due to what he experienced at the beginning of his life. So how he was treated from the moment he was born and for a number of years after.

Back in Time

This may have been a time when his mother didn’t meet his developmental needs on a regular basis. There would then have been times when she was available and times when she wasn’t.

This would have meant that he was often abandoned and would have felt deeply alone. When his mother was around, he probably would have done his best to keep her around.

Anxious Attachment Style

As his mother was there from time to time and was able to attune to his needs, and was, thus, reachable during these moments, this would have stopped him from developing an avoidant attachment style. This is why he does reach out to others as an adult and doesn’t have the tendency to isolate himself.

But, although this is the case, these early experiences set him up to believe that he is likely to be abandoned by others and his needs as bad. This would have undermined his ability to trust, to let go and to feel comfortable with his needs.

Moving Froward

He would have experienced a lot of pain throughout this stage of his life and this pain will be held in his body. Working through this pain will be a big part of what will allow him to settle down and to feel comfortable being by himself; to go from a dependent to an interdependent being.

This is unlikely to be something that will take place in a few days or weeks, though, it could take a number of months, if not years. What he will need to keep in mind is that he will have many layers of pain inside him.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk