Mother Wounds: Can A Man End Up With An Avoidant Attachment Style If He Had A Neglectful Mother?

If a man was asked to describe himself, one of the things that he could say is that he is independent. Unlike some people, then, he won’t need others and this will also mean that he won’t be ‘needy’.

He can see himself as being strong and capable, whilst viewing people like this as weak and incapable. He may believe that these people need to grow up and to stand on their own two feet.

Self-Sufficient

If he is not spending time with himself, he could have a few friends that he spends time with. However, it might be more accurate to say that these will be more like associates than friends.

So, while he will socialise with them, it is unlikely that he will ever open up and share his feelings or challenges, for instance. It is unlikely to be something that will even cross his mind.

Another Area

What is going on for him at an emotional level could typically be a mystery to him, let alone others. If there is a woman in his life, he is likely to only share certain parts of himself.

He could primarily share his body with her and perhaps what is going on for him at an intellectual level. This is likely to just be what feels comfortable, with him not having the need to share any more of himself or for it to go anywhere with the woman.

Two Extremes

When it comes to the woman and perhaps most of the women he has had in his life, she could be the complete opposite. If so, he will be happy with how things are but she could want more.

Due to this, he could have a negative view of her and believe that she is not as evolved as him. He will be independent but she will be dependent, and this is likely to repel him.

Too Much

After a while, he could end up cutting his ties with her, have a break and then look for another woman who is not as needy. This is likely to allow him to settle down and no longer feel weighed down.

Sooner or later, he could find another woman and the same thing could happen all over again. Alternatively, he could meet a woman who is very similar to him and this could cause him to open up slightly and to start to attach to her.

A Different Experience

If this was to happen, he could end up wanting a lot more than he usually does and he could soon feel very needy and helpless. The reason for this is that his interest could cause the woman to pull away.

As a result of this, he won’t feel weighed down; he will feel emotionally raw and deeply hurt. He could wonder what is going on as he will be experiencing things that he doesn’t usually experience.

Another Scenario

After this, he could end up settling down and going back to how he was before. Soon, though, he could end up meeting a woman to who he is drawn and doesn’t just want to share his body and mind with her.

Nonetheless, as time goes by and the relationship develops into more, he can experience a fair amount of resistance. Instead of it feeling natural and being able to move forward, he could find that he doesn’t feel comfortable.

Stepping Back

He will need to step away and create distance between himself and the woman. What is clear is that he won’t feel safe with the level of closeness that has been developed.

Thus, what should feel comfortable, will feel like a threat to both his sense of self and survival.  With all this going on, it is to be expected that he will end up pulling away.

A Powerful Experience

The trouble is that if this happens and he doesn’t talk about what is going on, the woman could feel deeply confused and even rejected and abandoned. Most likely, if this does happen, it won’t be because he is trying to harm the woman.

It will come down to how intense his experience is, with his two ‘lower’ brains preventing his ‘higher’ brain from being able to function properly. In other words, his instincts and emotions will be in control and he won’t be able to think clearly.

A Closer Look

As he is interdependent, not independent, he should feel comfortable with closeness. For most of his life, he has avoided intimacy and when he does experience it, he has the need to get away from it.

If he has been this way for more or less his whole life, it is likely to show that his formative years were not very nurturing. This would have been a time when he needed a mother who could love, attune to his needs and was dependable and consistent.

Back To Reality

In a likelihood, at this stage of his life, from birth until a few years after (the most important years of his development), he was largely neglected. When his mother was around, she would have probably been out of tune with him and unable to provide him with what he needed.

The outcome of this is that he wouldn’t have been able to develop a sense of trust and his nervous system would have been overwhelmed right from the beginning. When he was left he would have felt rejected and abandoned and when he wasn’t, he would have felt smothered.

One Option

To handle this pain, he would have had to disconnect from his body. It wasn’t possible for him to change his mother’s behaviour or to find another mother who had the ability to love.

This would have stopped him from being able to emotionally grow and develop a felt sense of safety and security. Thanks to these experiences, he would have come to see his fellow human beings as a threat to his sense of self and survival, not as people he could potentially trust, open up to and share himself with, and the foundations would have been planted for him to become an interdependent or ‘counter dependent’ human being.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk