Mother Wounds: Can A Man Fear Intimacy If He Had An Abusive Mother?

Even if a man fears getting close to a woman, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. He is then going to unconsciously do what he can to keep women at a distance, but he won’t realise this.

Thanks to this, he might often be in a position where it is as though someone or something ‘out there’ is preventing him from having a relationship. If this is the case, he will have the desire to be in a relationship but he won’t be able to make much headway.

One Scenario

For example, he might have recently been with a woman that he liked and then, before long, their time together came to an end. The woman that he was with might have had to move away, not felt the same way or cheated on him, for instance.

Whatever the reason was, what he wanted would have slipped through his fingers. This might be something that has taken place on a number of occasions.

A Different Experience

Yet, sooner or later, he could end up meeting a woman who goes from liking him to loving him and he could start to feel anxious and have the need to pull away. As this will be what he has wanted for however long, he could struggle to understand what is going on.

Part of him may believe that this shows that he is not really into her but another part of him will know that this is not so. What might enter his mind at this stage is that how he feels and is behaving is irrational.

Another Scenario

Then again, he might not be interested in having a relationship and could simply prefer to have casual encounters. He is then going to only have the need to share his body, and perhaps his mind, with a woman.

What this will show is that, unlike the previous scenario, he is not aware of his need to experience a deeper connection with a woman. This need will typically be repressed and, thus, it will rarely if ever enter his conscious awareness.

One Outlook

If he was asked why he only wants to share his body with a woman and doesn’t want to experience a deeper connection, he could say that this is not something that interests him. Furthermore, he could talk about all the bad things that could happen if he was to open up to a woman, with this being seen as something that is not worth the hassle.

After hearing this, the other person could say that he is in denial and simply fears human contact. But, as he is not aware of what is going on for him at a deeper level, there will be no reason for him to accept what they say.

Self-Alienation

He might have a well-developed intellect and a certain level of self-awareness but he will still be oblivious as to why he is the way that he is. If he is surrounded by men who are also in the same position, there will be no need for him to question let alone explore why he is this way.

What may happen, at one point or another, though, is that he might end up forming a deeper connection with a woman who is ‘different’ to the others and this is when he could end up finding that there is a reason why he is this way. By opening up and getting emotionally close to a woman, he could feel anxious and have the need to pull away.

Stepping Back

Now, irrespective of whether a man can relate to the first or the second scenario, he is going to want to know why getting close to a woman doesn’t feel comfortable. Assuming that he has more or less always experienced life in this way, there is a chance that his early years were not very nurturing.

If he was to think about this stage of his life, he might not be able to remember a great deal. His brain will then have blocked out what took place in order to allow him to keep it together and function.

Way Back

Throughout this stage of his life, he might have been mistreated by his mother and, as he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. He might have often been hit and verbally put down and deprived of the love that he needed.

What he needed was a mother who was emotionally stable, attuned and loving; instead, he would have had a mother who was emotionally unstable, unattuned and cruel. Naturally, this would have deeply wounded him and provided him with a very negative inner model of what a woman is like.

The outcome

To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed how he felt and he would have gradually lost touch with a number of his needs and feelings. He would then have been connected to his body at one time and lost touch with his body as time passed.

And, as how he felt would have been repressed, and not experienced and integrated, he won’t have truly been able to move on from what happened. The pain that he is carrying will have an impact on who he is attracted to and attracts and how he behaves when he is with a woman.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk