Mother Wounds: Can A Man Fear Women If He Had An Emotionally Unstable Mother?

What a man could see, if he was to reflect on his life, is that he has the tendency to keep women at a distance. He could find that this is something that typically just happens, without him consciously choosing to be this way.  

This can mean he has been single for most of his life and has only had casual encounters, or he might seldom go down this path. If he only has casual encounters, he will share his body and his mind with a woman but that will be it.

A Strange Scenario

At this point, he could wonder why he is this way and why he doesn’t have the need to experience a deeper connection with a woman. He could soon come to the conclusion that this is just what he is like.

Unlike the men who do have the need to experience a deeper connection with a woman, then, he will be different. He could also have a number of friends who are like this, which will play a part in normalizing his behaviour.

A Common Occurrence

However, if there have been moments when he has gotten closer to a woman, he may find that this was a time when he felt uncomfortable. He might see that he felt edgy and soon had the need to get away from her.

Yet, he could believe that he only felt this way because of what the woman was like. He might see that this is something that he has experienced on a number of occasions.

Looking Deeper

After a while, though, as he has started to question what is going on, he might come to accept that he doesn’t feel at ease around women. If he has felt at ease, it could show that he was not connected to how he felt and/or was behaving in a certain way.

By being in a disconnected state and/or playing a role, then, he would have had a different experience. Consequently, he could wonder why he sees women as a threat to his survival.

One Outcome

Before long, he could conclude that how he is behaving is irrational as there is no reason for him to be this way. After all, he is likely to be physically stronger than most, if not all of the women that he meets, meaning that he would probably be able to defend himself if he was attacked by a woman.

Still, this understanding is unlikely to have much of an impact on his inner experience when he is around a woman. But, although what is going for him can seem to make no sense, it might soon make sense if he was to take a closer look at what took place during his early years.

The Past Is Present

If he was to do this, he may find that this was a time when he often felt not just scared but terrified of his mother. This is likely to show that his mother generally wasn’t someone who was emotionally stable and nurturing.

Instead, she might have had extremely unpredictable moods, with her being happy in one moment and deeply depressed in the next. Due to this, she would have alternated between being accepting and rejecting.

All at Sea

At other times, she might have been calm and at others, she might have been filled with anger and rage. Additionally, she might have been physically and verbally abusive.

In order for him to have grown and developed in the right way, he needed a mother who was generally emotionally stable, attuned to his needs and was able to consistently love. As this wasn’t the case, he would have been wounded, deeply deprived and wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to her.

Merely Surviving

Thanks to this, it wouldn’t have been possible for him to feel safe and freely express himself at this stage of his life. He had to walk on eggshells and be attuned to his mother’s needs, to try to predict her behaviour to avoid being on the receiving end of one of her outbursts and to try to be loved by her.

And, as he was so focused on his mother and she was unable to truly be there for him, he would have had to disconnect from his own feelings and a number of his needs. In the place of his feelings and needs - the elements that make up his true self - will be a false self.

A natural outcome

It is highly likely that his mother behaved in this way because she was not in a good way. But, as he would have been underdeveloped and egocentric at this stage of his life, he wouldn’t have known this and would have personalised what took place.

This would have caused him to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him, that he was unlovable and that his needs and feelings were bad. Furthermore, there will be the impact that his mother’s behaviour had on his inner model of women and how he expects them to behave.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk