Mother Wounds: Can A Man Feel Anxious Around Women If He Had An Emotionally Unstable Mother?

What a man may see, if he was to step back and reflect on his life, is that he often feels edgy. And, if he was to look even closer, he may find that this is usually how he feels when he is around a woman or women.

Furthermore, in order to handle what is going on for him and feel more settled, he could often come across as easy-going and overly-agreeable. If this takes place, he will lose himself, so to speak.

An Act

Naturally, if he doesn’t feel comfortable around a woman, it is not going to be possible for him to fully show up. His priority won’t be to express who he is; it will be to feel more at ease.

Based on how he behaves, it will be clear that this is seen as something that will only take place if he pleases the woman. Thus, by not standing out and blending him with what is going on for her, he will be able to feel comfortable.

Two Areas

On one hand, there will be the impact that behaving in this will have on his day-to-day interactions with women and, on the other, the impact that it has on the relationships that he has with them. Not showing up around a woman who he meets at a social event, for instance, is not going to be the same as not showing up around a woman who he is in a relationship with.

When he doesn’t show up around a woman at a social event, as frustrating as it may be, this won’t be an interaction that lasts for very long. However, when he doesn’t show up when he is in a relationship with a woman, this will be something that is ongoing.

Confusion

At this point, he could wonder why he behaves in this way and is unable to simply feel at ease and ‘be himself’. He could come to the conclusion that he has no control and is simply compelled to behave in this way.

If so, he could feel frustrated and hopeless and helpless. What could add to this is the fact that his life may have been this way for as long as he can remember.

One outlook

If he was to talk about what is going on for him to a friend, he could end up being told that there is no reason for him to behave in this way. He could be told that what is going on for him is irrational.

Along with this, he could be told that he needs to learn how to control his thoughts and emotions. Focusing on what is taking place in his mind, then, will be seen as the answer to what he is going through.

The Next Step

This approach might work, or he may find that it only works for a short while or doesn’t work at all. Yet, even if it does work, what this approach won’t do is shed light on why he is this way, to begin with.

Instead of just going along with this approach, he might want to know why he behaves in this way. If he does, he might find the answers that he is looking for by taking a closer look at his early years.

Back In Time

By doing this, what might soon stand out is that his mother was anything but stable and loving. He might see that this was a time when he would often walk on eggs shells, due to his fear of upsetting her.

If this was the case, it would have been normal for her to be all at sea emotionally and to be predictably unpredictable. One minute, she might have been happy, in the next, she might have been sad and in the next, she might have been angry and full of rage.

Endless Up and Down

The stability and consistency that he needed from her, to grow and develop in the right way, wouldn’t have been provided and this would have greatly wounded him. He would have been forced to live in survival mode and focusing on his mother would have been a key part of what allowed him to survive.

By being in tune with her needs and feelings – he is likely to have been forced to develop an astute ability to read facial expressions - he would have tried to prevent himself from being on the receiving end of one of her outbursts and perhaps, being physically harmed and/or abandoned by her. This would have meant that it wasn’t safe enough for him to be in his body and connected to his needs and feelings.

Replaying The past

Undoubtedly, this stage of his life is over but he is going to carry a lot of pain and a number of unmet developmental needs. Additionally, he is not going to be firmly rooted in his body and have a felt sense of safety or even worth and lovability.

His unmet needs will play a part in why he will unconsciously be drawn to women who are very similar to his mother. Deep down, he will be trying to receive the love that he missed out on, but, as this stage of his life is over, it will be too late.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk