Mother Wounds: Can A Man Feel Empty If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?

If a man were to connect with how he feels, he could find that he feels as though he is missing something. It is then going to be as if there is a hole inside him that needs to be filled.

And, if he were to go deeper into this inner emptiness, he could come into contact with a lot of pain. He could find that he feels rejected, abandoned, worthless, helpless and hopeless.

Two Levels

What this illustrates is that the emptiness that he feels is not at the root; what is at the root is the pain that he is in. If, then, he didn’t feel this pain, he wouldn’t have the sense that something is missing.  

Instead, the ‘positive’ feelings inside him would combine to allow him to feel whole and complete. He might see that, over the years, he has done a lot to try to change what is going on inside him.

One Area

So, he might have had sex with numerous women, believing that this would provide him with what he needed. Just before and during a sexual encounter, he might have felt whole and complete.

But, a little while after, he might have experienced a sense of lack and tried to change this by sleeping with another woman. To use an analogy; he would have been running towards the end of a rainbow but no matter how far he ran, it would have been out of his reach.

Another Experience

Conversely, he might have had numerous short-term relationships, believing that if he found the right woman, he would be fine. But, irrespective of the woman that he was with, it wouldn’t have been any different.

As with the previous example, when he met a woman and for a little while after, he might have felt that he was receiving what he needed. Yet, as time passed, how he felt before is likely to have soon returned.

Another Area

Along with this, he might have believed that having certain material items would change how he felt. Therefore, he might have put a lot of effort into earning a lot of money, so that he was in a position to buy just about anything he needed.

For example, he might have a big house, an expansive car, and luxury jewellery. He might have also achieved a certain level of fame, with this having been seen as another thing that would help him to change how he felt.

A Waste of Time

Now, regardless of what he has done over the years to change how he feels, he will see that it hasn’t worked. Due to this, he could experience a deep sense of despair and feel very low.

If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, there is a chance that what is going on for him is a consequence of what took place during his formative years and the impact that it had on him. This may have been a stage of his when he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Back In Time

From the moment he was born, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable. If so, this would have prevented her from being able to consistently attune to his needs and typically meet them.

The outcome of this is that he would have been deprived and deeply wounded. As opposed to being able to attach to her and gradually develop a strong sense of self, then, he wouldn’t have been able to and would have ended up disconnecting from himself in the process.

One Option

This is because he was powerless and dependent, so he wasn’t able to change her or find a mother who could love him. The only thing that he could do was to lose touch with his emotional self and his body to stop himself from being overwhelmed with pain.

The years would have passed and his physical and mental self would have grown but his emotional self wouldn’t have grown. In other words, he wouldn’t have been able to experience an emotional birth.

A Stage

If he had been born emotionally whole and complete, it would have mattered that his mother was out of reach. But, as he wasn’t born whole and complete, not having an emotionally available mother would have stopped him from being able to grow out of the emotionally dependent state that he was born in.

This is why, when he connects to his emotional self, he will experience an emptiness and then pain as he goes deeper. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to stay this way forever.

Moving Forward

A big part of what will allow him to change his life will be for him to face and work through the pain and experience the unmet development needs that were repressed all those years ago. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk