Mother Wounds: Can A Man Feel Guilty For Being Happy If He Grew Up With A Depressed Mother?

What a man may find, if he was to step back and reflect on his life, is that he finds it hard to experience both ‘positive’ feelings and good things for very long. Therefore, whenever he has felt good, it might not have been long before his mood changed.

And, whenever an area of life is going well, it might have also not been long until it has ended up going back to how it was before. At this point, he could wonder if someone or something ‘out there’ is holding him back.

A Frustrating Existence

Alternatively, he could believe that he is just very unlucky and hope that his life will change before long. Naturally, experiencing life in this way is going to take a lot out of him.

It will be as if he takes one step forward and then, before long, he ends up back where he was before. Then again, as he will have moved forward and gone backwards, it could be as though he has gone back even further.

Self-Reflection

However, while what is going on externally and/or bad luck may appear to be what is holding him back, there is a chance that there is far more to it. Deep down, he might not feel comfortable experiencing ‘positive’ feelings and when an area of his life is going well.

But, as what is holding him back will be outside of his conscious awareness, this won’t be something that stands out. For him to get to the bottom of why his life is this way, he will need to take a closer look at what is taking place inside his unconscious mind.

Two Parts

Right now, he might believe that his conscious sense of himself is all there is to him. In other words, he could believe that he begins and ends with his conscious mind.

As a result of this, as he wants one thing but he is receiving something else entirely, it is to be expected that he would feel frustrated and even helpless. Yet, by understanding that there is another part of him and that this part has a greater influence on his life than his conscious mind, he will be able to consider, at the very least, that he is not powerless.

An Activity

Now, for him to get a sense of why his life is this way, he can imagine that he lives a life where he routinely experiences ‘positive’ feelings and a number of areas of his life are going well. After letting his imagination run wild and really embracing how this would feel, he could be filled with gratitude.

Before long, though, he could end up feeling anxious and perhaps fearful and experience guilt and shame. If this was to take place, he could be very confused and wonder why the life that he wants to live feels so uncomfortable.

Going Deeper

What this will have done is allowed him to see that there is a reason why he hasn’t been able to truly move forward. By using his imagination, he will have been able to find out that there is a part of him that is not on board with what he wants.

This will allow him to see that he is not in a battle with what is going on externally, he is in a battle with himself. For his life to truly change, he will gradually need to end this battle and to work with himself as opposed to against himself.

What’s going on?

When it comes to why he is this way, it could be due to what took place during his formative years. This may have been a time when he was brought up by a mother who was not in a good way mentally or emotionally.

Consequently, her mood might have often been up and down and it might have been hard to predict whether she would be happy or sad, accepting or rejecting, or warm or cold. This would have meant that she was typically emotionally unavailable and caught up with her own needs.

One Option

To handle what was going on and to try to be loved by her, he would have been forced to adapt to her. This would have involved him losing touch with a number of his own needs and feelings and tuning into his mother’s needs and feelings.

In other words, he would have had to lose touch with himself and play a role that related to him being there for and pleasing his mother. And, as he was caught up in her world and she was often down and miserable, he would have felt as though he was doing something wrong and would be rejected and/or abandoned and perhaps harmed if he freely expressed himself.

The Truth

Ultimately, he was not responsible for what was going on for his mother all those years ago. The trouble was that as he was egocentric and caught up in his mother’s world, as he didn’t receive the attunement and love that he needed in order to emotionally separate from her, he wouldn’t have been able to realise that what was going for him wasn’t his fault.

For him to realise this at the core of his being, though, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet development needs to experience. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk