Although a man may have the desire to be in a loving relationship, it doesn’t mean that he will believe that this is possible. The reason for this is that he might have had this desire for quite some time and not been able to make much progress.
He could look back on his life and see that he has been with a number of women who were not very loving. If he has been with at least one woman who was like this, this would have been a time when he wasn’t treated well.
A Hopeless Place
Thanks to this, he might believe that this area of his life will never change and that he will just have to tolerate what is going on. It will then be a case of him being with a woman who doesn’t value him or being single.
Neither of these options is truly going to appeal to him and, most likely, he will end up taking things further with a woman before long. This could be something that takes place after he has partly forgotten about what took place before.
The Same Story
Yet, just like before, he could end up with a woman who is very similar to the women who he has been with previously. This can be a time when he will end up feeling worthless and unlovable.
In all likelihood, he can believe that he feels this way solely due to how he is being treated and that, if he was treated differently, he would feel different. This can be seen as a natural conclusion.
The way for him to feel valuable and lovable will then be for him to be with a woman who treats him well. At this point, he could believe that he is simply unlucky and that the only way that this area of his life will improve, is if his luck changes.
As a result of what he has been through, he is likely to be desperate for his luck to change so that he can finally be in a loving relationship. If he was to come across a man who is in a loving relationship, he could experience a fair amount of anger and jealousy.
If it was put forward to him that he is not helpless or unlucky and that he is playing part in what is taking place in this area of his life, he could find this hard to accept. He could say that this is not true as he wants to be in a loving relationship and doesn’t want to be treated badly.
This will be the case on one level, but at another, deeper level, there is a strong chance that this is not the case. At a deeper level, he is likely to feel comfortable being treated badly and be emotionally attached feeling worthless and unlovable.
After hearing this, he could say that this is utterly ridiculous or something similar, and say that this is simply not possible. If so, what he will need to think about is that he has both a conscious and an unconscious mind.
When it comes to what is taking place in this other, hidden part of him, it will be full of the wounds that he experienced during his formative years, among other things. With this in mind, in order for him to understand why his life is the way that it is, it will be a good idea for him to explore what took place during his early years.
At this stage of his life, he may have been brought up by a mother who was unable to truly love and be there him. So, he may have often been left by her and when she was physically available, she might have rarely been emotionally available.
This would have deprived him of a lot of the nutrients that he needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. But, as he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on.
This is likely to have been a time when he routinely felt worthless, unwanted, unlovable, rejected, abandoned and hopeless and helpless. By being egocentric at this stage, he would have naturally personalised what took place.
To handle the pain he was in and to survive, his brain would have automatically repressed how he felt and he would have gone into a shut down, collapsed, disconnected and frozen state. And, along with influencing how he would see himself, these experiences would have played a part in how he would see women; the particular would then have become the general.
Clearly, what took place will be over but a big part of him will still be trying to fulfil his unmet developmental needs. This will show that part of him doesn’t realise that this stage of his life is over or that the women he is drawn to are not his mother.
Without being aware of it, he will have been unconsciously recreating the experiences that he had with his mother, or experiences that are very similar, in the hope that he will finally receive what he missed out on. But, as the women he will be drawn to will be very similar, not to mention this stage will be over, this won’t happen, and this is why he will also feel the same.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.