If a man was to step back and reflect on how he experiences life, what could soon stand out is that he doesn’t feel as though he has any value. He could see how this has held him back when it comes to his career and his relationships with the opposite sex.
He might have continually made one step forward and two steps back when it comes to his career and been unable to make a great deal of headway. Then again, he might not have a career and might have just gone from one job to another.
A Bleak Existence
When it comes to his relationships with the opposite sex, he might have never been in an intimate relationship. If he has been in at least one relationship, this may have been a time when he was walked over and wasn’t appreciated.
He could see that being treated this way, as painful as it was, felt comfortable to a big part of him. It might have taken a number of months or even years before he cut his ties with her and walked away.
What could be only too clear, at this point, is that unless he changes how he feels, his life is not going to change. But, while this might be on his mind, a big part of him could believe that there is absolutely nothing that he can do.
Due to how pervasive this feeling of being worthless will be, it will appear, to his part of him, as something that can’t be changed. It could then seem as though his only option is to do his best to ignore this part of himself and to focus on the fact that he does have value.
A Cover Up
This is something that he could end up doing with the help of positive affirmations and thoughts. If he was to end up reaching out for support, he could end up being told that how he feels is the result of the thoughts and beliefs that he has.
Therefore, changing what is going on up top will be the way for him to change how he feels. However, if he does take this path, how he truly feels is likely to just end up being covered up as they are unlikely to purely be an effect of what is taking place in his mind, and, sooner or later, his true feelings could enter his conscious awareness.
The Next Stage
If this was to happen, he could wonder where these feelings have come from and what he can do to get rid of them. One thing that could stand out, if he was to think about how long he has been this way, is that he has felt worthless for most of his life.
What could enter his mind is that he was simply born this way and that these feelings are an intrinsic part of him. Yet, there is a strong chance that what took place during his formative years has played a part in how he feels and sees himself.
Back In Time
His formative years may have been a time when he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. What he needed during this time was a mother who could love but he may have had a mother who was often unloving and even cruel.
She may have often been verbally and physically abusive and neglectful, which would have deeply wounded him. So, as opposed to feeling safe, supported, wanted and of worth when he was in her presence, he would have often felt unsafe, unsupported, unwanted and worthless when he was around her.
And, as he was in an underdeveloped state and egocentric at this stage of his life, he wouldn’t have been able to question what was going on or to see that his mother was not in a good way. Consequently, it was then not that she was a deeply wounded woman; it was that he was inherently flawed, bad, worthless and unlovable.
What may have also played a part in how he came to feel and see himself is that his father may have also been treated badly by her, too. By having identified with his father, as his father was treated badly and he was a man, it would have been seen as a sign that men had no value.
How he felt would have soon been repressed as it would have been too painful for him to face up to what was really going on and he would have struggled to be loved by his mother. This would have involved him automatically losing touch with his true self, so disconnecting from his body and losing touch with a number of his needs and feelings, and creating a false self.
The trouble is that as she was unable to love him, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did or how hard he tried. Still, engaging in this struggle for love would have played a part in him keeping his true feelings at bay and not having to feel totally hopeless and helpless.
Drawing the Line
With this in mind, how he truly feels as an adult will be the result of how he felt all those years ago. Facing and feeling this pain and expressing his unmet development need is going to be an essential part of what will allow him to change how he feels and sees himself.
Doing this will gradually allow him to know, at the core of his being, that he has inherent value. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.