Mother Wounds: Can A Man Find It Hard To Attach To A Woman If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?

What can be normal is for a man to only have casual encounters with women, which will mean that he will only share his body and perhaps his mind. This might be the only thing that interests him, with him having no desire whatsoever to experience more.

He might sometimes be told that he has ‘commitment issues’ and that it’s time for him to settle down, but this might not have much of an impact on him. If most if not all of his friends are in the same position, he is likely to receive a lot of support for how he behaves.

A Natural Outcome

Nonetheless, if he doesn’t have the desire to experience more with a woman, why would he change his behaviour? If he was to experience more, he would be forcing himself to do something that he doesn’t want to do.

He might then be seen as someone who is behaving in the ‘right’ way to some people but he wouldn’t be pleasing himself. Now, there is a chance that he has been this way for all of his adult life.

A Closer Look

This could just be how he is made and there might not be a part of him that wants to experience more. At the same time, the part of him that does want to experience more could be repressed.

The part of him that doesn’t want to experience more will then be dominating the part of him that does. Thanks to how effective this bigger, strong part is, he won’t be consciously aware of what is going on.

Business as Usual

One thing that might allow him to become aware of why he is the way is if he was to end up in a relationship. Assuming that this will allow him to develop an emotional bond with a woman, this could be a time when he will feel exposed and he could end up being taken advantage of.

If so, he could soon cut his ties with the woman and what has taken place can cause him to go back to how he was before. The fact that this wasn’t a very pleasant experience can be seen as a sign that he is doing the right thing by not getting close to a woman.

Another Route

Alternatively, he might end up in the same position before long and after this; he could take a close look at what is going on. What could soon stand out is that he feels more comfortable when he is out of touch with his emotional needs and only wants to have sex with a woman.

Additionally, he could see that when it comes to the women who he has been with, they haven’t really been there for him. In this case, they won’t have attuned to him and they will have been emotionally out of reach.

Another Element

And, if he has been taken advantage of, this could mean that these women have been verbally and perhaps physically abusive. If he has experienced this type of behaviour, it would have played a part in why he was unable to feel at ease in their company and to trust them.

Taking into account how painful his relationships have been, he could come to the conclusion that this is just what women are like. But, while it might seem as though he just happened to end up with women like this, what if there is more to it?

Going Deeper

The experiences that he has had with women can be a reflection of what it was like for him during his early years. Throughout this stage of his life, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to attune to a number of his needs and feelings.  

Consequently, a number of his needs and feelings would have typically been ignored, and this would have deeply wounded him. Furthermore, after a while, his mother might have been verbally and perhaps physically abusive.

One Option

To handle what was going on, he would have been forced to lose touch with his true self – his body - and develop a disconnected false self. He wouldn’t have felt safe in his mother’s presence and been able to trust her.

And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with his needs and feelings and himself. He would have done his best to keep his distance and even when he was in her presence, he would have been in a disconnected state and unable to really feel.

A Dysfunctional Model

A stage in his life, then, when he needed an attuned and loving mother to be able to grow and develop in the right way, was a stage when he had a misattuned and unloving mother. Due to this, he would have experienced inner conflict, as, on one hand, he needed his mother in order to survive, and, on the other, she was a threat to his very survival.

Taking into account what it was like for him at this key stage of his life, it is to be expected that a big part of him would have the need to reject his emotional needs and keep women at bay. Of course, other women won’t be his mother but as he is carrying the emotional pain of what took place and is unconsciously looking for the love that he missed out on, he will not only project his mother into them but he will be pulled to women who are similar to her.

Awareness
​
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk