If, after being brought up by an abusive mother, a man was able to realise that his early years were dysfunctional and then to reach out for support, he might not end up in a relationship with an abusive woman. He would then have been through hell but there would be no reason for him to replay this experience again.
However, while this would stop him from suffering unnecessarily, it is unlikely to be something that will take place. Instead, a man can have this experience and then, as time goes by, forget all about it.
The Story Continues
But, even though his conscious mind can forget all about what took place during this stage of his life, it doesn’t mean that his unconscious mind will. This part of him will remember exactly what took place.
Due to this, he will continue to drag his past around with him and it won’t be possible to truly put the past behind him. Nonetheless, by being unaware of what is going on, he won’t be able to see the connection between his present and his past.
So, he can end up getting into a relationship and the woman can be anything but loving and supportive. She can be cold, verbally abusive, critical and even physically abusive, at times.
Yet, instead of leaving the relationship, once this starts to take place, he could end up staying put. He is then going to be undermined by the woman but he won’t feel the need to get away; he will simply take it.
The Same Story
After a while, he could end up leaving the relationship, but as time goes by, he could end up with a woman who is very similar. The experience that he had with this woman could be almost identical to the last one.
With each woman, he would have felt like an object that had absolutely no value. Therefore, it wouldn’t have mattered how he felt or what his needs were as she was unable to acknowledge the fact that he was an individual.
If he was to leave this woman, he could believe that this is just what women are like. Consequently, it will be in his best interests to stay away from them and to deny his need to connect to a woman.
As strong as his need to connect to a woman will be, he simply won’t want to go through another abusive relationship. If he was to reach out for support, it might give him the chance to take a deeper look into what is going on.
Now, assuming that he was to end up taking a closer look into what took place during his formative years, he may start to see how similar these women are to his mother. If this was to take place, he could wonder how he has only just realised this.
He could believe that this is something he should have been aware of a very long time ago. There will be no reason for him to blame himself, though, as this will have been a way for him to protect himself.
A Brutal Time
When he was being mistreated by his mother, this would have caused him to experience a lot of pain. Nonetheless, there wouldn’t have been a great deal that he could have done.
As he needed her in order to survive, he had to simply tolerate her abuse. His father, that’s if he was around, may have enabled her behaviour and also been abusive at times.
To handle what was going on, he would have had to repress how he felt and to adapt to what was going on. Out of his need to survive, he may have also formed an idealised view of both his mother and father.
Ultimately, it would have been too much for him to accept what both of these people were like, so he had to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him. What would have also played a part in this is that he would have been egocentric at this stage of his life.
Therefore, without a way out and someone around who could truly be there for him, he had to lie to himself about how he felt and about what his parent/s were really like. This would have made this stage of his life more bearable.
And, whilst this was going on, how he was treated by his mother and how his mother treated his father, if he was around, would have played a big part in what he would come to associate as love. Taking into account how unloving and destructive his mothers behaviour was, it is to be expected that he would have a very dysfunctional model of love.
For him to truly put the past behind him and to be able to meet a woman who is nothing like this mother, he will need to question what he believes and to work through his trauma and emotional wounds. This will allow him to know, at the core of his being, that how his mother behaved had nothing to do with love.
What this will also do is allow him to change his inner mother and as his inner mother becomes more loving; his experiences with women will change. He can also meditate on the fact that how he was treated wasn’t his fault and he didn’t deserve to be treated like dirt.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.