Although a man can have the desire to deeply connect to a woman, he may also have the need to keep his distance. The experiences that he has had with them throughout his life may appear to be what has given him this need.
As a result of this, it is going to be a challenge for him to fulfil the first need. If there are moments when he is able to put his need to keep them at bay to one side, if only for a short while, he could soon end up being reminded of why he is the way that he is.
The Same Old Story
He could find that the woman is different, to begin with, and then, over time, she ends up being like the other women he has been with. This could mean that she is cold, critical, distant and low on empathy.
At this point, he could wonder why he even bothers and could say to himself that he won’t bother again. This will stop him from having to go through all this again but it is unlikely to be the answer.
The Other Side
Once he has cut his ties with the woman and starts to settle down again, he can soon end up coming into contact with his need to connect to a woman. He could also experience a deep sense of loneliness.
There are going to be a number of things that he can do to cover this need up but he won’t be able to completely remove it. There are also likely to be plenty of things that will remind him of what he desires deep down, such as coming into contact with a happy couple.
If he was to talk to his friends about what is going on for him, he could end up being told that this is just what women are like. This is even something that his father, if he is alive, could affirm.
What this won’t do, should this take place, is provide him with a sense of hope that this area of his life can be different. Right now, with what is going on for him, he probably needs someone to tell him that not all women are the same and that this area of his life can be different.
As he has the need to meet a woman who is different, it could be said that he won’t be playing a part in the type of woman that he continually ends up with. This will just be something that is out of his hands.
Therefore, in order for his life to change, something ‘out there’ will need to change. However, although this may appear to be the truth, what if there is a lot more to it?
What if the experiences that he has with women are a reflection of what is taking place inside him? He could say that this is not true as he wants to be with a woman who is loving and kind, among other things.
This may be true but his experiences are not just a reflection of what is taking place in his conscious mind, they are also a reflection of what is taking place at a deeper level, in his unconscious mind. To understand why his life is the way that it is, he will need to take a closer look into what is taking place in this part of his being.
If he was to take a closer look into what is taking place at a deeper level, he may find that he doesn’t have a very positive view of women. He could find that he sees them as cold, without empathy, distant, withholding and unsafe.
He could say that this is because this is what his experiences with women have been like. Nonetheless, if he was to put his adult experiences to one side, he could find that this is what his mother was like very early on.
The Foundations Were Laid
Instead of having a mother who fitted the typical view, someone who was the ultimate nurturer, he had the complete opposite. This would have meant that he was deeply wounded by his mother and the experiences that he had would have formed his inner model of what women are like and his level of self-worth.
Many, many years would have passed since that stage of his life, then, but he will continue to re-create this early stage of his life. Naturally, for this area of his life to change, he will need to change his inner model.
Along with the beliefs that he formed at this stage of his life, there would have been the pain that he experienced. This was a time when he needed to be loved to be able to grow and develop, not to be mistreated by his mother.
His father might not have been around during this time or he might have enabled her behaviour. Either way, he wouldn’t have stood up for his son and protected him from his mother’s abusive behaviour.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.