Mother Wounds: Can A Man Have A Strong Need To Be Seen If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?

A man may often feel invisible and as though he doesn’t exist. If he doesn’t feel this way, it could be because a woman who he finds desirable has looked at him or he is seeing a woman or is in a relationship.

Thanks to this, he is likely to have a strong need to be seen by a woman and to be in the company of one who is very attentive. Without the gaze of a certain type of woman, then, he is going to feel empty and low.

One Focus

By being this way, he is likely to generally spend a lot of time thinking about women and doing what he can to be desirable. If this is not the case, it could be a sign that he is dating a woman or is in a relationship, for instance.

Other areas of his life are then likely to be overlooked and this can stop him from truly moving forward in life. Then again, he could still make progress when it comes to his career, for instance, as being more successful could be seen as a way for him to be both desirable and increase his desirability.

Two Extremes

There can be times when he will feel inflated and full of life after being seen by a woman and then moments when he will feel deflated and lifeless after he has not been seen. In other words, he will be on top of the world and then he will feel as though he is a nothing and worthless.

As a result of this, he is not going to have much control over how he feels; certain women will be in control. What this means is that he will have given his power away, allowing certain women to define his mood.

A Big Difference     
                                                                                                   
Now, as he is drawn to certain women it is to be expected that they will have a positive effect on him. However, appreciating the attention of a woman is very different to being dependent on the attention in order to feel whole and complete.

The former relates to being an interdependent human being, and the other relates to being a dependent human being. And, as he is an interdependent human being, how he feels shouldn’t be so reliant on a woman.

A Tough Time

Coming back to when he feels inflated and deflated, what is going to have a massive impact on him is when he goes through a breakup. He will go from being seen, to not being seen by a woman and this is likely to be very tough.

Of course, a breakup will be tough for anyone but as he is dependent on the attention of a woman to be able to function, it is to be expected that it will be an incredibly difficult time. To change how he feels, he could soon date another woman, end up in another relationship or have a casual encounter.

Drawing the Line

If he was to the point where he has had enough of living in this way, he could end up looking for answers. This will be a time when he will want to find out why he is this way and how he can change his life.

He will no longer want to be thrown off-centre by this need and will want to find a way to feel whole and complete without needing to be acknowledged by a woman. If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, there is a chance that it is due to what took place during his formative years.

Way Back

This may have been a stage of his life when he was brought up by a mother who was unable to truly be there for him and give him the love that he needed to grow and develop. Consequently, as his mother was unable to provide him with the attunement that he needed, a number of his needs would have been unmet.

Therefore, he may have had somewhere to live, food on the table and clothes to wear, but he would have been emotionally deprived of the nutrients that he needed. His mother would have been physically there but emotionally absent and at other times, he may have been left.

A Painful Time

At this stage, he needed his mother to acknowledge his existence and to be there for him. As this didn’t take place, he would have experienced a lot of pain and this pain would have automatically been repressed by his brain.

By being egocentric, he would have also personalised what took place, undermining his sense of self in the process. He would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him and his needs.

Inner Conflict

Many years will have passed since this stage of his life but he won’t have truly moved on from what happened. At an emotional level, he will be deeply wounded and this pain will need to be worked through for him to move forward.

This is likely to be a time when he will work through emotional wounds that relate to feeling helpless, hopeless, powerless, worthless, rejected and abandoned. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk