Mother Wounds: Can A Man Have Sex To Try To Be Loved If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

A man could be in a position where he is only interested in having sex with women. What this then means is that he won’t be interested in having a relationship with a woman.

And, if he ever dates a woman, most of the time that he spends with her could involve him having sex. When this doesn’t take place, he could be having something to eat with her or watching a film, for instance.

More than One

At this point in time, he could have one woman in his life that he has sex with or he could have a number of women in his life. This could be how he has been for most if not all of his adult life.

He could say to himself that sex is all he needs from a woman and believe that he is not made to have a relationship. If this is the case, it could be said that he will only have a few needs when it comes to women.

Very Different

Unlike those men who have the need to be in a relationship, he is not going to have the same needs. He could accept that he is different to other men or he could be critical of men who are different.

If he is, he could believe that these kinds of men are needy, whilst he isn’t. Therefore, to use an analogy, other men will want a full-course meal but he will only want dessert.

The Experience

When it comes to having sex, he might like to take his time and make sure he pleases the woman, or he could be primarily concerned with pleasing himself. Either way, once he has finished, he is likely to experience a boost in his wellbeing.

Having sex will have allowed him to receive something and release tension and he might be able to perform better in other areas of his life. In fact, he could experience a greater sense of wholeness after he has had sex.

Two Scenarios

Now, this could be something that he is consciously aware of, or it could be something that he is not consciously aware of. When it comes to the former, he will be able to see that having sex has allowed him to receive something that he needed and release something that he didn’t need and this is why he feels better.

Yet, when it comes to the latter, he won’t be able to see this but he will feel better nevertheless. Before long, he could soon have sex again and he will be able to ‘refuel’ once more.

One Level

Taking into account what is going on, it can seem as though purely having sex is what is allowing him to feel better about himself. Additionally, there will be the effect that having sex with a woman that he finds desirable will have on him.

However, what if this is just a small part of what is having a positive impact on his wellbeing? What if there is another reason as to why having sex has such a big impact on him and why he doesn’t want more?

Another Level

What this comes down to is that in addition to what is driving him at a conscious level, there is what is driving him at an unconscious level. Thus, if he was to explore what is taking for him at a deeper level, he might soon realise that there is far more to what is going on than meets the eye.

So, if he was to look deeper, he may soon find that a big part of him is trying to receive the love that he missed out on when he was a boy. He is then going to unconsciously project his mother onto women, and, by having sex with them, he will be able to temporarily feel loved and experience a sense of wholeness as a result.

Stuck On a Treadmill

The reason it will be temporary is because a woman is not his mother and so the love that he receives will be symbolic. To stop the feeling of being unloved from entering his conscious awareness and feeling empty, he will need to continually have sex.

As for the tension that he is able to release by having sex, a lot of this will relate to the fact that he is carrying a lot of pain and a number of unmet developmental needs. This inner material will create a sense of inner restlessness that needs an outlet in order to prevent it from building up and weighing him down.

Back In Time

As to why he didn’t receive the love that he needed during his early years, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to love him. Consequently, she wouldn’t have truly been there for him and provided him with what he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

To handle this, he would have had to repress a number of his developmental needs and the pain that he experienced. He would have lost touch with this inner material but, from behind the scenes, so to speak, it would have continued to influence his life.

The Other Part

Moreover, as his mother wasn’t reachable, he wouldn’t have been able to develop a securely attach to her. Ergo, not only would his need to be loved have been repressed but he would have lost touch with his need to emotionally bond with his mother.

Thanks to how his mother behaved, he will feel ashamed of his needs and unlovable and he won’t feel comfortable getting close to a woman. His sense of trust won’t have been able to develop, giving him the need to keep his distance emotionally.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk