Mother Wounds: Can A Man Have The Need To Hide His Feelings If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?
If a man was to take a step back and reflect on how he typically behaves, he could see that he has the tendency to hide how he feels. As a result of this, most if not all of the people in his life are not going to know what is really going on for him.
This is going to mean that he will keep a lot to himself and he could often feel deeply alone. It is then not going to matter how many people are in his life as it will be as if he is on an island in the middle of nowhere.
In general, he could come across as though he is fine and that very little if anything bothers him. If so, he could be seen as strong and other people could even look towards him for support and guidance.
Then again, he could largely come across as though he doesn’t have much energy and is pretty lifeless. But, if this is what is normal, what is going on for him might not stand out to the people in his life.
If he was to think about a relationship that he has been in, he could see that this was also a time when he didn’t express how he felt. He would then have played a role and not been real.
Thanks to this, he might see that this caused him to do things that he didn’t want to do and to put up with things that were not right for him. As opposed to being uplifted by this relationship, he would have been undermined by it.
Drawing the line
So, after suffering in silence for however long, he could be at the point where he no longer wants to live in this way. But, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour.
If he was to merely think about doing this, he could soon feel anxious and fearful. Expressing how he feels to the people that he is close to is then not going to be seen as something that all of him sees as positive.
On one hand, he will want to be real, and, on the other, this will be seen as something that is a threat to his survival. If he was to take a closer look at this, he could find that expressing how he feels is seen as something that will cause him to be rejected and abandoned.
What this will illustrate is that he believes that there is something wrong with his feelings. Consequently, the only way that he will be accepted and survive is by hiding a big part of himself.
What’s going on?
Naturally, as being authentic is seen as a threat to his very survival, it is to be expected that he will have the need to hide himself. Ultimately, his need to survive is far stronger than his need to be seen.
For his life to change, he will need to know that he can fully show up and not only survive but thrive. At this point, he could wonder why he is this way and why he can’t just be himself.
Back In Time
To gain a deeper understanding of why he is this way, it is likely to be a good idea for him to take a closer look at what took place during his formative years. If he was to do this, he might soon find that he had to hide his feelings and a number of his needs.
When he did express how he felt, his mother might have often ignored him, dismissed how he felt or left him. Along with this, she might have also criticised and humiliated him.
How his mother responded to his feelings would have defined what kind of relationship he would end up having with his own feelings. Most likely, his mother didn’t have a very healthy relationship with her own feelings.
But, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with his feelings and that, the only way that he would be accepted, is if he hid this side of him. Not receiving the attunement that he needed would have greatly wounded him.
The truth is that there is nothing wrong with his feelings and he doesn’t have to hide this part of him to be accepted. For him to realise this at a deeper level and have people in his life that he can be real around, he is likely to have beliefs to question and pain to work through.
This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.